Special Note:
Each week, Joe Beam is answering questions submitted by Heartlight.org subscribers based on his counseling experience, academic research, and heart for people as a minister. You can submit your questions to ask@joebeam.com.


I am a 46 yr old male going on 11 yrs of marriage. I do not have a strong sexual drive. What should I look into to help pick up my desire and drive? I have a great wife who has way more drive then I do. — T. B.

According to the Bible, the female has sexual needs (1 Corinthians 7:2-5). It isn't just the wife who is commanded to fulfill marital duty to the husband, but also the husband to the wife. It isn't just her body that belongs to him but also his body that belongs to her. Kudos to you for understanding this and wanting to please her.

You ask what you should "look into" to help increase desire. Interestingly, there are a few aphrodisiacs validated by research. However, before guiding you to herbs and medicines, I suggest you try another approach first. It really makes no difference whether a person's desire is strong, if that person can become adequately aroused (physically, mentally, and emotionally) and can reach climax. In other words, you don't have to want to make love to have a good lovemaking experience. Pursuing the fulfillment of your wife's sexual needs is a wonderful act of love, especially when you don't have the sexual desire to do so.

Remember these words from the apostle Paul to early believers in Ephesus?

  • "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21).
  • "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25).

As you recall from Jesus' pleading in the garden, he did not desire the cross, but he gave the greatest act of love ever known by doing it because we needed it (Mark 14:36). I'm not comparing your making love to your wife as equal to Jesus' sacrifice, but it is in the spirit of his selfless love.

Plan regular lovemaking sessions — 2 to 3 times a week is best — and make them happen whether you feel desire or not. Be creative in planning and execution, and you likely will discover that your desire will increase on its own. (My book Becoming One may help.)

If you have a question about love and relationships, send them to me at ask@JoeBeam.com. I'll answer 1 or 2 questions each week, using my counseling experience, academic research, and a deep respect for God's Word.

Be creative in planning and execution.

And if your marriage is in trouble, we can help. Go to http://www.JoeBeam.com. Our success rate, even if one partner comes reluctantly, is three out of four marriages.

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