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The suppressor style sits on or suppresses anger. Adults with this style of anger management have learned that anger is all bad, therefore it must be eliminated. But anger is a God-given, natural emotion that cannot be eliminated. Consequently, husband/wives bottle up their anger until it reaches the boiling point and they explode over the smallest, insignificant situation. Wives and husbands with this style tend to deny feelings or expressions of anger in their life. They are worried about what others might think or say if they were to express their anger. Their trigger thoughts include needing others to always approve of them or see them in positive light. They might also have grown up in a family with a venting parent. As a result, they might have learned to suppress their anger for fear of retaliation or made a personal vow never to be like their parent.
|Are you even aware of how you are managing your anger?|
The last style is the manager/director style of anger management. The person with this style of anger is aware of his or her anger, but uses it in a constructive manner. This person does not bottle it up like the suppressor, nor does s/he freely blast away like the ventor. Instead, the manager will acknowledge the emotion and use the energy to create a change in their situation or relationship. For example, a spouse might state: I am very angry that the dishes have not been cleaned and put up. The manager or director communicates in an assertive manner by stating what they want and not what they dont want. They might tell their mate: It was your night to do the dishes and I really need your help. They do not blame or shame a spouse to gain their cooperation. While this blame-and-shame might work in the short-term, it usually fails to produce lasting cooperation. Instead it breeds resentment and revenge. Manager/director types do not follow the myths of anger management (If you get it out it will go away and All anger is bad). And most importantly, managers and directors detect, dispute, and discriminate any irrational thoughts that might trigger their anger. They are aware of what pushes their buttons and are able, with practice, to disconnect this faulty learning.
Are you willing to change from destructive patterns?
Our anger is a lot like these new vision correction techniques, PRK and LASIK. With these procedures, a precise laser light guided with the help of a computer, gently reshapes the outer surface of the eye. In other words, a laser beam can focus on areas to make great positive changes to help peoples sight. Imagine if there was no control of the laser and the kind of damage it could do to the eye! So it is with anger. God wants you to understand and control our anger, so it wont control us. While simply knowing these patterns of dealing with anger is not enough to help us control, it is a start. Well continue looking at ways to deal with our anger in our relationships in future articles. I want to encourage you right now, however, to make a commitment to deal with your anger more constructively and enlist the encouragement and prayer of someone you can trust to offer you prayer, support, and accountability in this process.
Ephesians 4:25 says, In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
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