Wait just a minute— isn’t that title an oxymoron? Maybe a naive engaged couple might believe that anger doesn’t exist in a good marriage; that same couple probably believes that “love never means having to say your sorry” also. The facts are that there will be a lot of “I’m sorry” and some anger is inevitable, even in a good marriage.

    In “Passion’s Dark Side,” my first installment on anger, I suggested 5 ways for managing anger. In my second installment, “Slicing with a Laser,” I discussed 3 styles of anger management. In this last column on anger I would like to talk more specifically about anger and marriage.

    The greater our love for someone, the greater our capacity to experience a wide range of emotions in connection with that person. Those emotions include irritation, resentment, anger, and even rage. That is true whether we’re dealing with our parents, our siblings, our spouse, or our children. Just ask your local police officer about family violence.

    In Good Women get Angry, by Gary J. Oliver, Ph.D. and H. Norman Wright, they state:

“The people to whom we give the most time and energy and in whom we invest the greatest amount of love and other emotions are the ones we have the highest expectations of. They are also the ones with the greatest potential to trigger in us such emotions as fear, hurt, frustration, and eventually anger.”

    Anger is not necessarily a sign of relational immaturity or instability. Anger is an inherent component of all human relationships. Anger is so prevalent in marriage where you are so dependent on and vulnerable to someone else. People in healthy and unhealthy relationships argue and disagree. The difference is that in the healthy relationships those disagreements result in increased understanding, trust and security. They reflect mutual respect, even in disagreements.

Healthy expression of anger is a testimony to the strength of a marriage.

    Healthy expression of anger is a testimony to the strength of a marriage. Relationships that don’t acknowledge or express anger are usually fragile, unstable, and anemic. For anger not to be expressed suggests that the couple isn’t secure enough or the marriage isn’t strong enough to handle disagreement.

    So if we agree anger is inevitable, the question becomes how are the healthy ways we can reflect mutual respect and increased understanding in our disagreements? Here are seven suggestions for showing more respect and understanding towards your spouse. These seven tips are from Good Women get Angry and I suggest that you read more about it, to get more of the valuable details.

• Develop good communication skills — Many disagreements develop over miscommunication, as well as a lack of communication. One of the best places to start is to read together a basic book on effective couple communication.

• Keep short accounts — It’s easy to find storage space when you are collecting hurts and frustrations. These are usually over small issues that were either unidentified or were identified but not dealt with. Over time they have a tendency to expand. So, these need to be dealt with and “deflated” as soon as possible. Try to define the problem. How long has it been a problem? Is it really a problem?

• Develop a sense of perspective — Are the personal idiosyncrasies a “high-ticket” item or a “low ticket item? You know those little things that irritate. Write down those things that bother you about your spouse and sort out a more fine-tuned perspective.

• Acknowledge your own contribution to the problem — A realistic perspective is one that examines an issue from angles. In other words, “What is my part of the problem?” In Psalm 139:23-24 David writes, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way” (NASB). Now that is a good example of an intimate, and honest, relationship.

• Be clear about the source of your anger — Ask yourself, “Is this anger about my spouse or my children, or is it a response to a combination of things that has grown throughout the day?” It can be so painful and destructive to unload our anger on someone we love over unrelated issues.

• Practice constructive criticism — Before you even begin here, pray about understanding. If the issue is a legitimate “high-ticket” item, practice getting all the facts through clarifying questions. Questions can decrease the intensity of the moment, broaden a person’s perspective, stimulate new ways of thinking, and help a person see the value of looking at as many options as possible.

• Rehearse your confrontation and carry it out constructively — Address your spouse by name, give them specific information about your concerns and limit them to one or two if possible. Express why you are angry and what you would like to see happen in the future. Always make it clear that your main concern is a stronger and healthier relationship. Thank your spouse for taking the time to listen and interact with you, and then ask if you could pray together. Never bring up the situation again.

    Remember that asserting yourself is not an act of aggression. It is an act of communication. It is saying “I value myself, you, and this relationship enough to speak the truth in love.”

    The process of achieving intimacy is similar to the way that gold was purified in Christ’s time. The goldsmith started out with raw gold that contained alloys and impurities. He would put the gold in a container and heat it up. When the gold had melted and had reached just the right temperature, some of the alloys would come to the surface. The goldsmith would scoop these off.

    He would continue the process six more times. At the end, if he had done his job well, he would have pure gold. Each time he would have to heat the gold to just the right temperature. If it wasn’t hot enough the impurities wouldn’t come to the surface. If it got too hot he would lose some of the precious metal.

    Our relationships are a lot like gold. They start our in very rough form. We have a rough idea of what it means to love. We want intimacy but aren’t always sure what it is and what is involved in achieving it. However, God knows all about intimacy. He wants to teach us how to use our anger to help bring the alloys and impurities of our lives to the surface. The healthy expression of our anger can help us clarify, understand, and appreciate our differences. When we deny our anger and run from conflict we are running from the very process God can use to heal our hurts and knit our hearts more tightly together in love.

Copyright © 1999, Byron Ware. Used by permission.

HEARTLIGHT(R) Magazine is a ministry of loving Christians and the Westover Hills church of Christ.
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