“Whenever you are angry, be assured that it is not only a present evil, but that you have increased a habit.” — Epictetus

    Expressing our love is partially a product of habit. Unfortunately so is anger. If we love our spouse we will become more aware of our anger and how we deal with it. I mentioned in last month’s column that anger is a natural healthy emotion. But, just like the all the other drives that God has given us, he wants us to manage and control it carefully.

    Do you try to manage your anger with the ones you love?

    Are you even aware of how you are managing your anger?

    There are 3 basic styles of anger management: The suppressor, the venter, and the manager/director. Although husbands and wives will find that they use each style in their everyday life, they will find that one of these styles are more dominant than the others. These styles reflect on us as spouses as well as parents. The source of these styles is a mix of environment and genetics. Certain temperament types are more likely to demonstrate one or more of these styles than the others do. Our culture, family, and society also play a role. But the most important factor in determining how a husband or wife came to use one style is through learning. All of the styles of anger management are learned styles. Of course if they were learned, they can be unlearned or relearned. What this implies is that husbands and wives, or parents, are not stuck with their particular style of anger management. They CAN learn to better manage or direct their anger.

    The suppressor style “sits on” or suppresses anger. Adults with this style of anger management have learned that anger is all bad, therefore it must be eliminated. But anger is a God-given, natural emotion that cannot be eliminated. Consequently, husband/wives bottle up their anger until it reaches the boiling point and they explode over the smallest, insignificant situation. Wives and husbands with this style tend to deny feelings or expressions of anger in their life. They are worried about what others might think or say if they were to express their anger. Their trigger thoughts include needing others to always approve of them or see them in positive light. They might also have grown up in a family with a venting parent. As a result, they might have learned to suppress their anger for fear of retaliation or made a personal vow never to be like their parent.

Are you even aware of how you are managing your anger?

    The venter style is at the opposite end of the anger management continuum. Unlike the suppressor, this person freely and uncontrollably expresses his or her anger. They take no prisoners and have no mercy in the heat of the moment. Anyone and everyone can be a target for their verbal or physical expressions of anger. They often describe themselves as feeling “flooded” or under the control of their emotions, which results in them acting out-of-control. They usually feel guilty and remorseful for their expressions of anger after the fact and may make promises to change. These people have learned that anger is a quick and effective way to control others or get what they want. Young children learn that temper tantrums will get them the candy or toy they desire and adults find out that an anger outburst will get cooperation from children, however temporary the cooperation might be. The need for power and control are usually at the center of their thoughts. Inversely, they are often very insecure and feel powerless in their life unless they are venting at others. Venters suffer interpersonally. As others avoid their outburst, they become isolated and alone. This too may result in more venting.

    The last style is the manager/director style of anger management. The person with this style of anger is aware of his or her anger, but uses it in a constructive manner. This person does not bottle it up like the suppressor, nor does s/he freely blast away like the ventor. Instead, the manager will acknowledge the emotion and use the energy to create a change in their situation or relationship. For example, a spouse might state: “I am very angry that the dishes have not been cleaned and put up.” The manager or director communicates in an assertive manner by stating what they want and not what they don’t want. They might tell their mate: “It was your night to do the dishes and I really need your help.” They do not blame or shame a spouse to gain their cooperation. While this blame-and-shame might work in the short-term, it usually fails to produce lasting cooperation. Instead it breeds resentment and revenge. Manager/director types do not follow the myths of anger management (“If you get it out it will go away” and “All anger is bad”). And most importantly, managers and directors detect, dispute, and discriminate any irrational thoughts that might trigger their anger. They are aware of what pushes their buttons and are able, with practice, to disconnect this faulty learning.

    Are you willing to change from destructive patterns?

    Our anger is a lot like these new vision correction techniques, PRK and LASIK. With these procedures, a precise laser light guided with the help of a computer, gently reshapes the outer surface of the eye. In other words, a laser beam can focus on areas to make great positive changes to help people’s sight. Imagine if there was no control of the laser and the kind of damage it could do to the eye! So it is with anger. God wants you to understand and control our anger, so it won’t control us. While simply knowing these patterns of dealing with anger is not enough to help us control, it is a start. We’ll continue looking at ways to deal with our anger in our relationships in future articles. I want to encourage you right now, however, to make a commitment to deal with your anger more constructively and enlist the encouragement and prayer of someone you can trust to offer you prayer, support, and accountability in this process.

    Ephesians 4:25 says, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

HEARTLIGHT(R) Magazine is a ministry of loving Christians and the Westover Hills church of Christ.
Edited by Phil Ware and Paul Lee.
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