Having a baby really hurts. You mothers are thinking, “A lot he knows about it!” Right. Bearing a child hurts the mother, but having a child for a lifetime exposes both parents to recurring cycles of agony.

    “Our little dimpled daughter is on drugs.” Pain. “Daddy, I’m pregnant.” Pain.

    What is there for a parent whose heart is breaking?

    For some, especially parents of adolescents: hang on to hope and prayer. The jury is still out on your kids. A youth minister friend led a youth rally at the Christian high school I once attended. A mother wept to him over her two rebellious adolescents. He reminded her that the script had not all been written yet, and that, with patience and time, rebellious adolescents often blossom into happy healthy adults.

    The lady dabbed at her tears, grinned knowingly, and said, “That is what our principal told me. He said a few years back there was a kid so incorrigible that they should have kicked him out of school—but they didn’t. His name was Lynn Anderson.” I am grateful for hearts that clung to hope.

    However, for many parents the verdict is in: The damage is irreparable. Addictions. Mental illness. Prison. “I have AIDS, Mom.” Pain. “We found him in his room. Suicide.” Pain. Long, slow, unrelenting agony.

    What can we say when a parent’s heart is permanently broken? While mere words likely don’t help much, dare I attempt a few?

    First, don’t beat yourself over the head with the Bible. A superficial view of the proverb, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it" Only keeps the red guilt-light flashing. “My child did depart; I must be to blame.”

    Proverbs are “wise sayings which are generally true”—but not always. Why do some parents raise three beautifully adjusted children, and another who is a complete disaster? Did they perfectly train up three and totally fail on the fourth? And while we are clubbing people with proverbs, why not swing some which make the child culpable! For just one example “A wise son heeds his father’s instruction, but a mocker does not listen to rebuke.” (Proverbs 13:1)

    Besides, other forces beyond parents influence children. They spend hours each day outside our homes. Celebrity role models shape our children’s self-awareness. Music and movies also affect kids. So do school teachers. And television. Plus the big one—peer pressure. The voice of the parent is only one voice among the crowd.

    Our children are free moral agents, not robots who can be programmed by nailing every parenting technique perfectly. King David’s chaotic life and bad parenting produced a rebel son named Absolam. Were Absolam’s problems all David’s fault? If so, was not Jesse, David’s father responsible for David’s failures? If so, where then did Jesse get his warts? How many generations do we go back? All the way to Adam? But if parents are the only deciding factor in a child’s life choices, then God Himself was a parental failure. Look at Adam. Look at the lot of us. No the Bible makes it clear that our kids answer for their own sins.

    “The soul that sins is the one who will die... Suppose there is a righteous man...has a violent son, who sheds blood or does may evil things...(though the father has done none of them)...He will surely be put to death and his blood will be on his own head.” (Ezekiel 18:4,10, 11, 13) At judgment hour “each one [will] receive what is due him for the things [individually] done while in the body.” (2 Corinthians 5:10)

    No, dear crushed parent, don’t misuse the proverb nd compound your grief with guilt. Of course, parents do not erase their pain by recognizing their child’s culpability. Nor absolve themselves of all guilt. We parents are all guilty in a thousand ways—but Jesus took our load. Brokenhearted parents need to accept God’s forgiveness. Now is a good time to write down specific things you know you have done wrong. Then tell God and at least one other person, “so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16)

    But parents need to forgive themselves, as well. Where still possible, confess your specific failures to your child, and ask forgiveness. Although my children are gone from home, I frequently surface a guilt-pain, which I must confess to them and ask forgiveness. For example: our son, Jon found early high school a difficult time. He was small for his age, and lacked self-confidence then. But he loved to build things with his hands, and did it well. He and I planned a pen for our bird dog. Jon completed it while I was away one week. When I returned, he proudly led me out to see his work. Then I began my critique. “That’s not how we planned the foundation, etc. etc.”

    Jon’s head sank lower. He pretended to be working on some materials at his feet. When he looked up, his lips quivered, and tears filled his hurt eyes. “But, Dad. It’s the first one I ever built.”

Wounded parents may always walk with a limp. But God will walk with us in the pain.

    Not till long afterward did I fully realize what I had done to Jon that day. So I called my son, who is now a fine man, confessed that sin and begged his forgiveness. He answered, “of course I forgive you, Dad... But I don’t seem to remember that incident myself!” Likely I’ll be periodically making this sort of call as long as I live. I’ve got to. It helps me to forgive myself.

    Maybe you need to forgive your mate, too... Parents of problem kids sometimes blame each other. Of course, no one parent makes all the mistakes. Still, even if I had a sworn statement from “Good Housekeeping” signed by ten angels, stating the total guilt of my mate, I have no choice... I must forgive—today—or I will find no healing.

    Brokenhearted parents may also need to forgive their child. A grown woman told me that, as a teenager, she had a secret abortion. The guilt gnawed till she finally poured out the story to her mother. Her mother flew into a rage, retreated to her room and closed the door. When she finally emerged, days later, she refused to discuss the matter again. The relationship has never been healed. She needs to forgive.

    After all, our heavenly Father is the original broken hearted parent as well as the ultimate forgiving parent. God moves out along the roadways of life, pursuing and forgiving lost children who have hurt Him so. And when He is not searching the roads, He is preparing forgiveness parties for prodigals! Why not have a family forgiveness party, with confessions, tears, and specific forgiveness all around? God does.

    Wounded parents may always walk with a limp. But God will walk with us in the pain. No, He has not promised to erase it—in this life. However, He supplies grace to come to terms with our pain. And on the other side of the tears He offers a gift. He empowers us to comfort to others. Even though we may feel like failures as parents—even though our child may be gone forever—other people still need us. God is still counting on us.

    “Praise be to the...God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3,4)