Mentoring is very much in vogue these days. Like so many fads in management and human relations, this one will probably fade away into some newer fad. But as Christians, we need to remember that mentoring is not a fad for us. Mentoring, or “discipling,” where mature leaders work with emerging leaders, where mature adults work with younger adults, where a craftsman works with an apprentice, is the heart of the Biblical teaching model. Unfortunately much of what is written about mentoring seems intimidating. So let’s get down to basics and see if we can’t help give some guidelines for mentoring relationships. Then, if you are a mature couple with a stable and loving relationship, find a young couple to befriend. If you are a young couple, pray for the Lord to lead you into a relationship with a mature Christian couple. If you are a church leader, call your congregation to prayer and place the concept of mentoring couples on their hearts. When the Lord opens the door, here are some practical guidelines that can help you develop a congregation with mentoring relationships.

    The process of building a couple mentor relationship is based on four steps.

1. Shared stories
2. Common struggle
3. New perspective
4. Shared vision.

    In this program a veteran couple meets with a recently married couple for four evenings of conversation. The best time to begin seems to be between the third month and the ninth month of marriage. Before the third month the marriage is too new for the couples to feel free to share openly. By the ninth month, patterns and routines are beginning to rock the boat. Doubt and frustration may be setting in. Starting this program around the third month helps the young couple weather the storm.

Objectives:

1. To provide direction for couples within the first year of marriage. In most marriages, the period of time between the third month and the ninth month is a time of doubt and anxiety. It is a time when the newly married need to share their experiences with someone who has been there.
2. To help newly married couples recognize the uniqueness of each marriage.
3. To give newly married couples an appreciation of what it takes to grow together.

The Invitation:
    After the wedding, the minister sends a letter to the young couple, congratulating them and telling the couple about a special invitation soon to be received. The letter briefly describes the couple conditioning program: Four evenings with a veteran mentor couple, conversations about marriage, to meet in homes, names of the veteran couple.

    The letter is followed by a personal phone call from the veteran couple and the first night is set.

First Evening: 1st Year Conditioning

    Both the veteran couple and the newly married couple share their experiences. This is not a class, nor is it a therapy group. It is conversation with a purpose.

Sharing Your Story
    The veteran couple begins by introducing themselves. This introduction includes personal background, important people and events in each other’s life, and other “fun stuff” up until the time they met. Then, taking turns, each one tells the story of his or her marriage: dating to engagement, engagement to honeymoon, honeymoon to now.

Your Marriage Patterns—the way it is today
    Every marriage develops its own routines. What are yours? How do you do these things?

1. Meals
2. Greetings and good-byes
3. Morning routines
4. Evening routines
5. Weekend routines
6. Love-making
7. Prayer
8. Parties
9. Household chores
10. Shopping
11. A night out
12. Church

Second Evening: 1st Year Conditioning

    Both the veteran couple and the newly married couple share their experiences.

Sharing expectations
    What do you think husbands and wives are supposed to get out of their marriage? What do you think husbands and wives are supposed to give to their marriage? What have you learned about marriage so far? What has been the biggest struggle? Tell about a couple you want to be like.

Getting and giving help
    Working alone, each person writes down five or six things he or she wants most to accomplish or experience within the next five years. Be specific. Spouses then see if they can guess what their partner wrote. They talk about each other’s list and what they can do to help each other reach those goals. Now, the newly married and veteran couple share their lists with each other. Expect the lists to be different.

    Remember, one of the most important and least recognized goals of marriage is to help each other grow closer to God.

Third Evening: 1st Year Conditioning

    Both the veteran couple and the newly married couple share their experiences.

Gaining a new perspective
    As we move through life, we will face lots of changes. Our marriage is designed to help us adapt to the changes with durability. Our relationship has permanence. It is based on a covenant love, not on convenience, or weakness, or oppression. The promise is to love in spite of what happens; that’s what makes it what it’s supposed to be. Sociologically, marriage is a lifestyle and set of tasks within an institution. Psychologically, marriage is the interaction of personalities and needs within a public commitment. Spiritually, marriage is bringing out the best in each other on our way to heaven.

The vows we made
    Talk about the promises made during the wedding ceremony. What do you remember about that part of your wedding ceremony? Knowing what you know now, is there anything you would add to those promises?

A new perspective on our promises
    These are the promises of marriage. How do these promises affect your time, social life, career, goals, prayer life, daily routines, and spiritual growth?

• Dedication to a growing relationship
• Rejection of alternative relationships
• Submit to being shaped by each other
• Limitation of personal activities
• Staying involved and attached
• Allowing patience to grow
• Taking God seriously

Fourth Evening: 1st Year Conditioning

    Both the veteran couple and the newly married couple share their experiences.

The basic principle of marriage

“Husbands and wives choose to dedicate their lives to loving each other as God has loved them, whether or not their spouse responds in kind. They choose to make this the foundation of their marriage whether they perceive it being reciprocated or welcomed. That’s what agape love is all about.” (Ron Rose)

    At what times is it difficult to live by that principle? When is the easiest? What helps? Suggest resources and experiences that have helped (Veteran couple share from their own experience).

Ten questions young couples want you to answer:

1. What was the most important preparation you received before marriage?
2. What is the biggest challenge you have faced in married life?
3. How has your spouse brought you closer to God?
4. What has been your greatest joy thus far?
5. What is the most important thing you do for your spouse?
6. Besides your spouse, who has helped your marriage the most?
7. What is the most unique thing about your marriage?
8. In what ways does your marriage differ from that of your parents?
9. What do you appreciate most about your sexual relationship?
10. What is the most important thing your spouse does for you?

Every church can develop mentor couples for newlyweds.