Successful Parenting by Dr. Bob Barnes

Q: When does a parent know he’s been successful in raising his children?

A: I would consider myself and my children a success if my children have the discipline and the drive to reach worthy goals as adults, if they develop the discernment to know when to do one thing and walk away from another. I would consider us successful if my children can handle and develop deep adult relationships, if they can maintain the discipline to work at a marriage relationship even when their needs aren’t being met, if they can stay faithful to their spouses and to their dream.

    Success isn’t something that is inherited from a large estate or from healthy genes. Nor is it something that is won by means of physical giftedness. Success is something that is worked at and maintained.

Q: What is your ICE plan for building responsibility?

A: The I of ICE stands for Instruction. This first step is the parent’s responsibility. The parent must think through and then instruct the child about the chore the child is about to become responsible for.

    The second step is C for the Consequence. This is a shared responsibility. The parent thinks of and presents to the child the consequence to be meted out if the responsibility is not accepted by the child and the job is not done. The child’s part is to either accept the responsibility and do the job or "pay" the consequence. Here is the greatest area of argument and the danger (if a parent fails to handle this properly) of the child carrying into adulthood the belief that there is justification for irresponsible behavior. Namely, the "It’s not my fault!" syndrome.

    The third step is E for the Experience portion of the learning process. Children must be given the opportunity to exercise their options. They must be allowed to choose what they will do.

Q: You discuss respectful assertiveness in regards to children and authority. Can you give an example?

A: When Robey was in elementary school, he had a soccer coach who had obviously not been around children much. During the preseason practices, I would arrive early to pick Robey up and be shocked at this coach’s language. He’s stand in the middle of the field, with a half-eaten cigar hanging out of his mouth, screaming at the boys to work harder. Every now and then there would be a four-letter word sprinkled in.

    The next day, walking out of a staff meeting at Sheridan House, Steve, one of the ex-college athletes on staff, asked me about Robey. "How’s soccer going?" It was just an innocent question to show his interest in my children, but it opened the door for me to say, "Funny that you should ask. I’m thinking about pulling him out. He has a horrible coach." I went on to describe some of the difficulties we were having. Steve responded with a twinkle in his eye. "Sounds like he’s getting good practice for some of the bad coaches and teachers and grumpy bosses he’s going to have in the future! We all need that kind of practice."

    Part of what Steve said was a joke. But he was right. This could be good practice. Robey stayed on that team that season. I hung around a lot more than I had done in previous years and every day after practice we discussed what went on. We discussed why the coach yelled at the boys so much, why he used the language he did, and how Robey could best approach him. Together we decided that it would be good for Robey to pick a time to ask the coach if he could talk to him for a minute privately. We even rehearsed out loud what Robey would say, with me yelling back at him. We also talked about earning the right to question people in authority by working hard at practice.

    Robey did talk with his coach one day after practice. He asked him all the right questions. It didn’t change the way the coach talked to or treated the boys. In fact, it barely changed they way the coach treated Robey. But it did give Robey some practice that was far more significant than soccer practice. It gave him an opportunity to practice respectful assertiveness. It gave him an opportunity to practice respect for authority while not being afraid to ask questions.

This article is based on Dr. Bob Barnes’s new book, Ready for Responsibility, by Dr. Bob Barnes (Zondervan, 1997), available at your local bookstore or by calling 1-800-727-3480.

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