I hear a lot about the importance of intimacy for building a successful marriage, and I’d like to know whether we have much of it in our relationship. However, I’m not so sure I really know what intimacy is. could you explain or define intimacy for me?

    An intimate relationship, in its simplest form, is simply being close. It is the opposite of distance or standing apart. Intimacy involves a sharing and uncovering of selves. The word intimate is derived from the Latin word intimus, meaning “inmost.” Couple who are intimate tell one another their private thoughts, dreams insecurities, and triumphs; they know a great deal about one another. Lillian Rubin, author of Intimate Strangers, expresses it this way: “Intimacy is some kind of reciprocal expression of feeling and thought, not out of fear or dependent need, but one of a wish to know another’s inner life and to be able to share one’s own.”

    An intimate relationship is a committed relationship. The partners involved in it are committed to one another’s well-being. Intimate couples trust one another and are willing to make sacrifices for one another. One way of summing up the intimate relationship is to say that it is the epitome of empathy. Partners in an intimate marriage have an ability to feel what the other is feeling and know what he or she is needing.

If we want more intimacy in our marriage, what is the most important thing we can be doing?

    We tend to think of love and intimacy on a grand scale for better, for worse; till death do us part—and we associate it with life’s big moments. We plan birthday parties, produce holiday celebrations, and get romantic on anniversaries. These loving gestures help maintain a marriage because they acknowledge the importance of your relationship. But there’s another kind of acknowledgment, requiring far less effort, that can pay even larger dividends: It’s the small affectionate gesture.

    Why is it that so many couples neglect affectionate gestures? Mostly because they have become too comfortable with each other—taking each other for granted.

    Intimacy is also built on conversations filled with supportive questions, tag questions such as “Do you agree?” and “What do you think?” Little questions like these open the conversation to the other person’s views.

    One of the most important things that a couple can do to build intimacy is to intentionally reconnect after being apart. This is accomplished with a small gesture of support that says “It’s good to see you.” It is communicated not in words, but with the eyes. We all know how good it feels to walk into someone’s presence and have them look up and smile, and how awful it is if he or she is preoccupied or negative. This kind of preoccupation dampens kindness and suffocates intimacy.

    Underlying every affectionate gesture, no matter how small, is respect. Grand gestures on significant occasions mark the passage of time. But little gestures that sweeten the moment show respect. In these moments we discover the heart of intimacy and feel the warmth of a loving connection.