To talk to him now you would never believe his stories. (We will call him Tom.) He is calm, reflective, and yes he is kind. But, his stories of rage against his family are downright scary. A broken door, holes in the walls, screaming that frightened his neighbors. He says his wife has told him of shocking statements that he has said in a fit of anger, but he doesn’t remember saying any of them. No, he has never physically abused his family, but the damage emotionally is devastating. It is taking a huge toll on the people he says he loves the most.

    Anger is evident all around us. If you live in a larger city you are well aware of “road rage.” Many have actually experienced it first-hand. It is a frightening to think of yourself being a victim. It is terrifying to hear how someone’s anger over minor driving infractions can turn them into murderers.

    As frightening as those stories are, do you know how your anger can affect you? Besides wrecking relationships and jobs, anger also negatively affects our physical health. The medical profession says that it can tax our immune system, contribute to headaches and migraines, and even cause severe gastrointestinal symptoms, hypertension, and coronary artery disease.

    Now after I have said all of this, I need to make one thing perfectly clear – Anger is a natural and healthy emotion when it is expressed appropriately. Wow, how can anger be “natural and healthy?” I hope you do feel anger when a child is abused, used in a drug deal, or abducted. God gave us this healthy emotion to deal with all kinds of injustice. But, just like the all the other drives that God has given us, he wants us to manage and control it carefully. The key to “natural and healthy” anger is how quickly we recognize it and how we manage it.

    Do you recognize and understand the roots of your anger? I want to discuss five steps for managing your anger in this column, and next month I want to discuss discovering your style of anger management. But first, what does the Bible say about anger?

Do you know how your anger can affect you?

    In God’s very first family Cain’s anger leads to the murder of his brother. In Genesis 4:6 God asks Cain “Why are you angry?” and later in verse 7 God says, “But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.” We must all learn how to master our anger, or it will master us. Proverbs 29:11 calls a person who gives “full vent” to his or her anger a “fool.” Also in Proverbs 22:24 is a warning to “…not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered.” Have you thought about how your friend’s attitudes rub off on you?

    The writer of James says that we should be “…slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” God desires that we master our anger in order to be good examples to our family and community.

    Here are the Five Steps for Managing Your Anger that I found on the internet. You can read more about anger from this wonderful resource.

Step 1: Awareness - Be aware of how you and others experience and express anger.

• Body Experiences: Clenched teeth, muscle tension, rapid heart beat, etc.
• Verbal Cues: Sarcastic remarks, raised voice, put-downs, etc.
• Nonverbal Cues: Red face, toe-tapping, fists clenched, hold breath, etc.

Step 2: Creating Safety - Make sure you and others are physically and emotionally safe.

• Assess for danger: Alcohol or drug use, weapons, intensity of rage, etc. Remove yourself from the power struggle temporarily to cool down. Diffuse the anger by using a calm voice and validating the other person’s feelings. Redirect the anger into a safer form of expression or detect the real cause of the anger (“you are not angry at me, you are really angry at the car not starting...the overdue bills...the loss of privileges...&148;).

Step 3: Understand Your Trigger Thoughts - Detect, dispute, and discriminate your irrational beliefs to create more productive effects.

Use your anger diary to determine the thoughts that lead you to anger. Be objective in looking at your thoughts. Challenge those that lead you to anger and change them to more rational and less anger producing thoughts. Get professional help to overcome those thoughts that you cannot deal with yourself or are having a tough time determining lead you to anger.

Step 4: Utilize Problem-Solving Techniques and Make An Anger Management Plan.

• Brainstorm ideas (What have I already tried? What was successful in the past? What would I like to see happen differently?)
• Use small, realistic steps. You cannot change BIG anger problems overnight. Set priorities. You cannot do everything that may need to get done. Write a list and choose the most important one to start. Do that one before doing any other things. Find a support group to encourage and give you feedback. Evaluate your progress.

Step 5: Reflect On Your Progress - Don’t be discouraged by failure. Failure is normal and part of the learning process. Have the courage to be imperfect and learn from your mistakes.

   Jesus says in John 10:10 that he has come that we “...may have life, and have it to the full.” We can’t experience the fullness of life by carrying around a huge destructive load like anger. To have happy and full marriages, and families, God wants us to manage our anger. If we don’t manage our anger, we can look back with shame and regret at how we let anger take the very best out of our life; just like Tom.

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