Articles by Rick Reynolds at Heartlight

How Will We Survive?

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 00:00:00 -0500

The discovery of betrayal by a spouse severely disrupts your life and breaks your heart. You face daily painful reminders of what your relationship failed to be. There are times when you feel like you can't breathe -- or are not sure you want to keep breathing. Every interaction seems to open the door for more hurt.

At the same time, God is far bigger than our circumstances. As those of us who have traveled this hard road can attest, the marriage we now experience is far better than what we once had. So you can never tell the end of the story by the beginning. I encourage you to stay the course and see what God can do if your life and marriage have been rocked by one of your worst fears and deepest hurts.

What I would like to do is share some practical things we have learned in helping couples recover and go on to live in strong marriages. So here are some tips for both spouses when the discovery of infidelity has ripped your world apart. I believe there is something for each of you and some good practical advice for anyone who cares deeply about their own marriage or the marriage of a friend who finds themselves in this kind of trouble.

5 Tips for the Unfaithful Spouse:

Stop the affair. You will most likely need help. We suggest finding an experienced professional, spiritual leader, or someone who has been in this type of situation.
Commit to creating an atmosphere of safety; commit to openness and honesty. Be available by cell phone, be willing to call from a land line (to show where you are), hand over passwords, e-mail addresses, bills, and give access to your mate in order to give him/her assurance.
Take responsibility. As bad as your marriage may have been, it still doesn't justify breaking a vow to God, to your spouse, and to yourself. Have the courage to say "I messed up."
Develop empathy for your spouse. Daily express to your mate that you're sorry for the pain that you have caused and/or appreciation that your mate is still there. Being able to genuinely express grief over what your actions have cost your mate is one of the first steps to moving beyond the betrayal.
Be patient and ask your mate how he/she is doing. If you see your mate is down, simply ask how he/she is feeling. Our first tendency when we see those storm clouds brewing over our mate is to run for the shelter, but in recovery, it's best to be a tornado chaser by creating space to share about the pain.
Don't be defensive. Usually defensiveness sounds like, "Well if you hadn't ..." Defensiveness can become a way to blame our mate and try to justify why we messed up.

5 Tips for the Betrayed Spouse

Express your feelings and thoughts without the destructiveness of rage. This one can be tricky, but it will be easier if you keep in mind that anger is a secondary emotion. Then, instead of expressing your anger, talk about the underlying feelings that evoked the anger. The underlying emotions might be hurt or fear.
Avoid rapid-fire questioning. Ask questions slowly, always asking yourself if the answer will be information you want to live with the rest of your life.
Commit to forgiveness. This doesn't have to happen quickly, but for your sake you want it to occur. Don't fall into the trap of believing you can control your mate's behavior by not forgiving. Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Allow yourself time and space to grieve and process what has happened. It's not about the amount of time you give it, rather it's about how you utilize the time you give it.
Recognize your vulnerabilities. Don't let your hurt and pain drive you to behaviors you will later regret. Avoid putting yourself in vulnerable situations.

5 Tasks for the Couple:

Find support. Try to find at least two or three people you can both agree would be safe individuals to share with. Having a safe place to process feelings, apart from the marriage, can be beneficial.
Separate the marriage from the train wreck of the infidelity. Remember, there is more to your relationship than the infidelity. The infidelity does not rewrite your whole history, although sometimes it may feel like it does.
Make time to talk about the marriage and the effects of the infidelity. One of the worst mistakes you can make is to stop the dialogue about what has happened. Allow time for both of you to process what you are learning along the way.
Arrange a problem-free time during which you have fun and enjoy each other. This is a must, otherwise you will begin to feel like who you are, and what your relationship is, are just byproducts of the infidelity. Remember, there is more to life. So try to find times where you don't discuss the marital issues.
Remind yourself and each other that your relationship can be better. You are building honesty and empathy that were probably not there before the infidelity. Your relationship will emerge from this so much better, if you let it. It will never be the same.

Affair Proofing Your Marriage:

Assume that an affair could happen and take precautions, rather than assuming it will never happen. Actively avoid putting yourself in harm's way. Together with your mate, design "our rules" for keeping your relationship safe.
Both parties need to understand that temptations don't define us, so be willing to be honest about dangerous situations around you. Understand that if your mate is willing to share something that he/she is struggling with, then your mate is choosing to keep the marriage safe rather than to endanger it by hiding struggles or weaknesses.
Work hard at your marriage. Marriages take work. Be willing to put as much time into the marriage as you do into other activities which you love. The grass isn't greener on the other side of the hill, it's greener where you water it.
Be willing as a couple to talk about this issue. Be willing to honestly discuss any areas where the relationship is at risk.
Give back. If you've already recovered from a betrayal, be willing to give back to others who are still dealing with infidelity. There is no better preventive medicine than working with others who are coming along behind you. Their journey will be a constant reminder of the cost you incurred and experienced in your own journey.

There is truly nothing that the nearness of God cannot heal. The tasks on this list are just a few suggestions that will help you find and protect hope and safety in your marriage.

For more practical advice go to http://www.affairrecovery.com/ft/hh-heartlight and receive a free copy of a two hour webinar featuring leading experts in the field of infidelity recovery. During the webinar, the panel answered multiple questions posted by individuals struggling to move beyond betrayal.

Steady, It Could Be God

Sun, 29 May 2005 00:00:00 -0500

David was once again on the run with his mighty men. He had just received a message stating "that the hearts of the men of Israel are with Absalom." His son was leading a national rebellion against him. David moved quickly, afraid that Absalom would overtake him in Jerusalem and kill those in the city, so he organized a hasty retreat. History records that just to ride with David a man had to have personally killed 700 men in a single battle. So these men riding with David were proud warriors. The thought of tucking tail and running must have been distasteful. Not only were they not afraid to fight, they were men who lived to fight. It's against this backdrop that David's heart is revealed.

Shemei, a relative of the late king Saul, confronted David as he rode in retreat with his band of warriors. As they rode, he threw rocks at David and his special guard, cursing the King and shouting that he was getting what he deserved. The troops seethed. "Who is this insolent dog that he should curse the King?" David's men waited in anticipation. "Just give us the nod," they thought, "and we'll rid the world of this blight."

It had already been a very bad day, and finally here was an object on which they could unleash their rage and frustration. How dare Shemei curse the man to whom they had sworn allegiance -- who for whom they would gladly die. But instead of a nod, they got an unusual response from their leader. "Steady men, steady. It could be God. It could be God."

The impact of betrayal in a marriage is not dissimilar to the situation in which David found himself. Betrayed by family, a home under threat, and accusations coming from within and without. These are seemingly hopeless situations. How do you respond? If you judge the situation from the world's perspective, and look to your own ability and resources, if you see this situation as the source of your misery, then hope will be hard to find. That perspective links your peace and happiness to the outcome of the crisis.

In that mindset, the only way you will find resolution is if things turn out the way that you have judged as appropriate. If things turn out any way other than the "right way," then you lose your peace and joy, and in a sense the situation or your mate's betrayal becomes bigger than God.

If on the other hand we choose to see God in this seemingly impossible situation, then new possibilities appear. It could be God. What is the Almighty up to? How is he going to use this in your life as well as in the life of your spouse to bring about his good purposes? God isn't the cause of your situation, but He did permit it and He will use it as a way to draw us near to him.

As a boy, I loved Captain Kangaroo and one of my favorite parts of the show was the artist. Captain Kangaroo would draw an ugly scribble on the board as a challenge to him. The talented artist would study the scribble and begin to draw around the seemingly meaningless mark. To the artist, something was revealed by that doodling and he would incorporate it into a magnificent drawing. When he was finished, it was impossible to distinguish the mark from the drawing. It was no longer an ugly mark; it was now a part of the whole.

I believe that is exactly how God operates in our lives when those ugly marks appear. He takes the evil that has invaded our lives and works it into His will and works it into His plan. I really don't know what's good or bad, only God does, and as long as I can remember that, things are never out of control. As I keep God as my focus rather than my mate or the situation in our marriage, then I can still experience peace even in the darkest hour. Let's try to see Him in everything. Steady, it could be God!

The story of Absalom and David can be found in 2 Samuel 15.

Hopeless?

Sat, 07 May 2005 00:00:00 -0500

The tangled wreckage left by betrayal frequently leaves those involved feeling hopeless and confused. Jesus' statement, "Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32 NIV) seems at the very least misleading in this case. For many, the discovery of what is true leads to many things, but freedom is not how you would typically describe the ensuing feelings. In fact for many, living in the lie, before the revelation of the betrayal, seemed much more comfortable and free than having to live with the truth of what has happened. This holds true not only for the betrayed, but also for the betrayer. As couples begin to face the reality of their situation -- to face what is true -- they often come to the conclusion that their situation is hopeless, but not everything that is true is the truth.

When Terry first came to my office, he believed he was finally facing the truth. He had been in a four month affair with a woman with whom he had "fallen deeply in love." His 21 years of marriage had been a miserable failure -- as he put it, they should have never gotten married. Right up front, he informed me that he didn't want to give up his affair partner, his marriage was hopeless, and that he was sure he didn't want me talking him out of what he was doing. I surprised him when I told him that his observations were true: "It's true that the other woman makes you feel better about your self than your wife, and it's true that she's younger and more attractive than your wife, and it's true that the sex is better with your affair partner than it is with your wife, and it's true that your marriage is hopeless." As I pointed out what was true I could see his countenance lift, but then I pointed out that not everything that is true is the truth.

We tend to view circumstances from a Godless perspective, forgetting that the "truth" is a person and what is consistent with that person! Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life ...." (John 14:6) If what I believe to be true ends up as hopelessness, then it's not the truth, because truth is found in the person through whom all things are possible and in whom things are never hopeless. The truth is, "God will not fail you or forsake you." (1 Chronicles 28:20) When we see no way, the Lord says, "For I know the plans I have for you ... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) I told Terry that we weren't going to focus on what was true, but rather we were going to focus on the truth and get Jesus into the center of the situation. From this Jesus-in-the-center perspective, we began to find hope.

I encourage you to keep focused on the truth and not to become discouraged by what seems to be true. As you've already learned in this life, all is not what it appears to be and only One offers us the truth, the real and powerful and hopeful truth.

Rick is the Founder of The Affair Recovery Center. For more information please feel free to visit at AffairRecovery.com