Articles by Byron Ware at Heartlight

Radical Love, Radical Forgiveness

Fri, 30 May 2008 00:00:00 -0500

I have a daughter that is a graduating senior in high school, so I was excited when it was announced that my daughter's new youth minister, David Fraze, would speak on a recent Sunday.

David referenced an article by Diane Butler Bass who wrote, "The Amish Homeland Security Policy." This was about the killing of 5 children in 2006 in the Amish community and what the Amish community's reaction was to those murders.

Consider the Amish response to these murders, a response that fascinated the world. In the first week after the shootings the Amish families who had suffered such terror and loss responded in four ways:

Some Amish Elders visited Marie Roberts, the widow of the murderer, to offer forgiveness. The families of the slain girls invited the widow to their children's funerals. They requested all relief money intended for the Amish families be shared with Mrs. Roberts and her children. Dozens of Amish families attended the funeral of the killer.

The outside world was incredulous that such forgiveness could be offered so quickly for such a heinous crime. What a display of radical love and radical forgiveness!

Being in my church's marriage ministry, my thoughts naturally went to marriage relationships. I thought immediately about my own puny, micro-mini, capacity to forgive -- especially compared to this amazing response.

What bothers me most is that we all should be living with radical love, radical forgiveness. Consider Jesus' own words:

So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples (John 13:34-35 NIV).

What does our example of love and forgiveness prove in our relationships? Can we say that our love and forgiveness proves to the world we truly are Christians?

This day, this week, prove to those all around you that you are following Christ's example of selfless love and forgiveness. Do it even if no one notices here on this earth, because Someone will.

A Lion in the Kitchen

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 00:00:00 -0600

Do you have that visual in your mind? A hungry lion is in your kitchen. What would you do? I know what I would not do, and that is to stick around. I would be on my cell phone calling everyone that could help including the army, air force, marines and the guys with the sleeping darts -- of course I would be calling them from more than a block away from my lion infested house!

Peter uses this very analogy when he warns Elders and young men of his day. It also clearly applies to us today:

Be careful! Watch out for attacks from the Devil, your great enemy. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for some victim to devour (1 Peter 5:8 NLT).

When it comes to marriage, I am afraid the "lion" IS in the kitchen. The divorce rate seems to hover around the 50% rate in the U.S. The number of couples living together seems to be on the rise, as well. I saw a recent news piece that said that more and more women are choosing to live their lives single for a longer period of time. Married couples, as a percentage of the adult population, are definitely trending down.

Of course, there are a lot of factors involved in all of this marriage carnage, but you may be surprised who lets the "lion" in the back door. The answer is that we do -- you and me.

The "lion" has many faces. It may be the flirting at the office. He may attack through our being too busy for our spouse and children. His pouncing opportunity may come through anger we release like a wild beast on our family. The lion turned loose on our family may be some kind of addiction. For many here lately, the lion devours through the impact of pornography. Or, you probably can discover the way the lion is turned loose in your kitchen if you ask the Lord to open your eyes. The end results are the same no matter how the lion gets into our kitchen -- devastated lives often involving small children. Just ask my wife, the school teacher; she sees it daily.

My wife and I recently went to a dinner supporting NewDay Services that is a wonderful outreach ministry to those that have been "devoured" by divorce. In the county where we live, each month there are more than 5000 divorces pending, 500 children freshly impacted by the divorce of their parents, over 600 new orders for non-payment of child support, and 650 children referred to the Juvenile Justice Center. Ouch! The lion does more than roar; he devours.

It is now time to recognize how the devil really works and what he really wants to do in our lives! Let us all begin to visualize his temptations as a real hungry, snarling, determined, life-size lion in our kitchen -- instead of us cuddling up to those temptations as if they are purring kittens!

Our Lord wants us to see temptation clearly and have relationships that bring "full" lives, not "devoured" lives. Again, a warning about the devil and the promise of God's desire for us is contrasted when Jesus says:

The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness (John 10:10 NLT).

(This article was inspired from a men’s retreat given by Neal Jeffrey. Thank you, Neal, on a fantastic job! -- Byron)

Bananas and Avocados

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 00:00:00 -0600

You are probably wondering, "What in the world do avocados and bananas have in common?" They are both fruits, but there seem to be a lot more differences between them than things that they have in common. One is yellow, while the other is blackish-green. One has a smooth surface, while the other has a rough texture. One is long and skinny, while the other is short and fat. What about the taste?

Now take the jump with me to our marriage relationships. Have you ever started thinking about all the differences between you and your spouse?

Problems arise when we expect or assume the opposite gender should think, feel, or act the way we do. Imagine if you bite into an avocado and expect it to taste like a banana. Wow, what a shock! You will get the same shock when you buy your wife a vacuum cleaner she really needs for her anniversary -- or dare I remind you, for Valentines Day. Yes, we are different types, like avocados and bananas.

Sometimes when we consider the differences between wives and husbands, the differences seem to be staggering. There are personality differences, birth-order differences, personal-history differences, extrovert/introvert differences, and gender differences on top of everything else.

Paul tells the Corinthians, "The body is a unit, though it is made up of many [i.e., different] parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body" (1 Corinthians 12:12 NIV). Many times the differences that we sometimes find perplexing in marriage are the reasons we were originally attracted to one another. The world, and relationships, can be boring when everything is the same.

We must realize not to take these differences as personal attempts to frustrate each other. Our task is to recognize, discuss, understand and act skillfully in light of our differences -- whether these differences occur in our church or in our families.

If you find your self thinking that you and your spouse are about as similar as avocados and bananas, then remember the following about the two fruits -- by the way, my wife taught me this. When these two very different fruits are put together, they help each other ripen.

Isn't that the very goal in marriage? We are joined together and we can help bring out the best of each other, despite our differences.

There are three things that amaze me -- no, four things I do not understand: how an eagle glides through the sky, how a snake slithers on a rock, how a ship navigates the ocean, how a man loves a woman. (Proverbs 30:18-19 NLT, emphasis added)

The Real Reason

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 00:00:00 -0600

I received a new gift given to me from a couple in my last "Nearly Wed" class that I teach at church. It is the Far Side Calendar for 2007. The January 1st cartoon on the front seems to play on what many Americans want -- the bottom-line answers, with no fluff. The caption reads, "The real reason dinosaurs became extinct." The picture is of a brontosaurus, a t-rex, and some other dinosaur hiding out behind a mountain and lighting up cigarettes.

Now, I don't know a lot about dinosaurs disappearing, but, after 8 years of working with marriages and relationships, I believe I know the real reason for most divorces and much unhappiness in marriage. Marriage "experts" will tell you the number one reason for divorce is money, unfaithfulness, or not meeting needs. I do believe that these are all factors. However, behind all of these issues is the real reason -- selfishness.

Selfishness is a heart issue. It is a red flag that should get your attention when it springs up in your relationship. Look what the Lord's brother, James, says: "For jealousy and selfishness are not God's kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and motivated by the Devil" (James 3:15 NLT). Wow, selfishness is motivated by the Devil at work through us.

Another thing that I have learned through the years is that the Devil wants to destroy our churches through broken marriages. The Devil destroys the effectiveness of our churches by working through selfish people. I believe one of the great scriptures that can help us understand how marriage and relationships really should work is in Philippians. The whole letter helps us better deal with the problems selfishness and rivalry cause in relationships, but one passage particularly stands out. "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves ... " (Philippians 2:3 NAS).

If you find yourself being selfish with money, your time, or helping the one you love -- stop and remember your selfishness is motivated by the evil one. Also remember that love never asks how much must I do, but how much can I do? This love is motivated by the Lord! Listen to how Paul describes it to the Philippians!

Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not demand and cling to his rights as God. He made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form. And in human form he obediently humbled himself even further by dying a criminal's death on a cross. Because of this, God raised him up to the heights of heaven and gave him a name that is above every other name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Philippians 2:5-11 NLT)

Relationship Gardening

Wed, 01 Dec 2004 00:00:00 -0600

The Bible is full of gardens: the garden of Eden, the infamous garden Ahab wanted on Naboth's land, the garden of Uzza, and of course the garden of Gethsemane. In Biblical times, people could relate to gardens because they were a very agrarian society.

There are still gardens today, but with the investments in time and land that they require, there are not quite as many gardens as there used to be. If you don't believe me, go ask for tomatoes at your local fast-food drive-through. (They are a little short this season because of hurricanes and flooding.) In addition to the expense of gardening, some of us have two brown thumbs. Finally, gardens can be a positive thing to some and negative to others -- e.g., fresh vegetables, fried okra, relaxation versus hard work, rotor-tiller work, bugs, and weeds.

What do relationships have to do with gardening?

Well, there was the relationship of God with Adam and Eve in Eden as well as their relationship with each other. If we look closely, I believe we can find several parallels between relationships and gardens. The points below have to do with our most important relationship with God, as well as relationships on this earth.

What do you need to do to have a great garden and great relationships?

Spend some serious time in the garden
The garden has to have compost spread; it has to be fertilized, pre-weeded, tilled, seeded, spaced carefully, and watered continuously. This means a considerable time and work commitment. Look at the example of Jesus with his investment in time with his Father. (Luke 2:49; Matthew 14:23; Matthew 26:36-43)

So how much time have you invested in those valuable relationship in your life?

Understand what it takes to grow healthy plants
Study and understand what nourishes and aids in growth to the plants. Paul told Timothy to "Study" (KJV), "Give diligence" (ASV), "Work hard" (NLT), and "Do your best" (RSV) explaining the word of truth. (2 Timothy 2:15)

How much effort and investment have you put into books or seminars on the subject of relationships? Do you know how to meet the needs of your spouse and nourish him or her emotionally and physically?

Look for the warning signs
There are hints when there are plants that don’t look normal. A diligent gardener is alert and quick to weed out problems in his garden. If you want a great garden you will need to learn about and understand weeds as well. You will need to catch those weeds early before they get their roots deep. "The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, and debauchery ..." (Galatians 5:19)

Are there hints that your relationship is in trouble? Are you eliminating the "love busters" and annoying behaviors before they sink their roots too deep?

Use Neil Sperry as your guide
Neil is one of the top gardening experts in my area and he has a wealth of information to help novice gardeners. He knows his stuff, so gardeners pay careful attention to what he says. In relationships, God is the expert! "All scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness ...." (2 Timothy 3:16-17) In addition, God sends us great examples on how to live and apply his truth in our lives and we should follow their example and ask for God's direction. (2 Timothy 3:16-17; Hebrews 13:7)

Use older couples as marriage mentors and ask them how they have maintained their relationship over the years. But, more importantly, use the Bible as your first and foremost relationship guide.

Pull out the weeds and dump them far away
Weeds are as determined as my allergies are in the spring. If they aren’t dumped at a distance they are destined for a comeback. "Flee from sexual immorality." (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)

Many flirt with affairs but the Bible says sprint in the opposite direction and get far away from this relationship destroyer.

Make sure the whole yard is healthy
Pay attention to the whole environment.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things is no law.

(Galatians 5:22-23)

On the two acres that I own there is plenty of room for a garden. Do I have a garden? No, I have enough trouble with flower beds and getting my "brown thumbs" in them. But, I hope my wife would say that I spend investments in time, effort, books, seminars, and prayer in keeping the weeds out of our relationship garden.

So, how does your garden grow?