Articles by Joe Beam at Heartlight

Reconcile or Run?

Tue, 24 May 2011 00:00:00 -0500

"She's pregnant by her lover. But she says she has come to her senses, loves me, and wants to save our marriage. My family practically hates her and wants me to divorce her and have nothing else to do with her ever. I don't know what to do."

Call him Jim. Call her May. Every year situations such as theirs are repeated more times than one might imagine. One person does wrong, consequences arise, penitence hits, and the straying spouse begs for forgiveness and reconciliation.

Jim's case illustrates a pinnacle of marriage problems; May is carrying her paramour's baby. If Jim takes her back, what happens to the baby? Do they keep him? Do they put him up for adoption? In a stressful time like this they might even ask if May aborts? Do they give him to his biological father?

Tough questions, but essential if they consider reconciliation because May is pregnant. Weeping, worrying, or wanting things to be the way they used to be does not change that.

Most times the cases are not quite as severe in consequence as that of Jim and May, but they are almost universally bad. An affair, but no disease transmits, no babies germinate, and no physical evidence remains. Or some kind of addiction rather than involvement with another person — gambling, porn, alcohol, or drugs. It might be that one verbally, mentally, or emotionally abused the other. The similarity is that the actions of one cause the other to want out of the relationship.

Whether that person actually leaves depends on many factors including religious beliefs, cultural expectations, the depth of hurt, influence from family or friends, how close they were before the occurrence, alternatives for the future, repetitiveness of hurtful behavior, and more. For example, a woman may stay with her physically abusive husband because her religious beliefs are that she can divorce him only if he commits adultery. On the other hand, another woman may discover her husband's one-night-stand more than twenty years ago and decide the pain is so strong that she cannot live with him again.

Deciding whether to forgive and reconcile, or to end a relationship and move on, often is not an easy decision to make. However, there are certain things to consider that may help in making the best decision.

Be Careful Who You Listen To

When one is hurt, taking advice from friends and family may be the least wise thing to do. Typically, people who care deeply feel personal hurt by what someone has done to the person they love. They tend not to think in terms of forgiveness and reconciliation but in terms of punishment and alienation. In short, rather than being objective, they may be anything but. Wiser counsel typically comes from those who are not directly involved. Even better, listen to third parties who are skilled and experienced in working with people and know something about relationships (like us).

Decide Whether It Is Safe

Reconciliation leads to more hurt if proper boundaries are not put into place. When deciding whether to take back a person asking for forgiveness and requesting a second chance, consider all factors of safety. Emotional. Physical. Mental. Spiritual. Think not only in terms of self but also in terms of others involved such as children. If safety is in doubt, do not reconcile until all doubts have been dealt with properly.

Count the Cost

In life, those who think about the future tend to do better than those who think only in the present. (Yet those who think only in the present still do much better than those who think only in the past.)

Before reconciling, do a cost-benefit analysis. On paper, write the costs of reconciliation and the benefits of reconciliation. Be honest with yourself. Consider financial aspects, potential lifestyle changes, likelihood of the future truly being better or worse based on whether you reconcile or not, possible aloneness, and more. Do not make this list while struggling with any confusing emotion, whether anger, love, or despair. If wise and unprejudiced counsel is available, have someone work through the list with you.

In the case of Jim and May, Jim determined that the costs of taking May back were not as high as the costs of losing her. While some in his life ridiculed his decision, he had taken time to deliberate and consider many aspects of their relationship and the future they could have. Years later, he is happy with his decision and feels that the benefits indeed were much better than the emotional costs.

Set the Rules

If one is to forgive and reconcile, there must be solid understandings of behavior that is acceptable and behavior that is not. There should be consequences tied to negative behaviors. For example, if a man reconciles with his alcoholic wife, they would do better to have a written agreement as to consequences that would come into being if she were to get drunk. When those type contracts are made and agreed to, there must be NO mercy or grace offered. Make the consequences more intense with succeeding infractions, culminating with a final doomsday scenario. That means an end to the relationship. Struggling or straying spouses need to know they cannot continue bad behavior indefinitely.

Develop the Relationship

Forgiving and reconciling are not enough. Even boundaries are not enough. To keep the relationship from falling into old routines, there must be a plan to make it grow and develop into a better one than it was. There are many ways to do that, including many marriage books, courses, workshops, and the like. Being involved with a good marriage group can help.

We would be happy to help.

By the way, Jim and May kept the baby. He is about ten now. He and his siblings and parents are doing great.

To learn more about saving your marriage, check out our free articles — click here: http://hlt.me/lGNRqf — or get more information on our intensive weekend workshop — click here: http://hlt.me/iIDrCC — — for marriages in crisis.

Joe Beam has given much of life and ministry to reclaiming marriage and helping couples find holy intimacy with God and with each other. He willingly works with marriages most others have given up on saving. Learn more from JoeBeam.com or contact Joe.

Website: Marriage Helper

Stop Controlling Me!

Tue, 10 May 2011 00:00:00 -0500

She could not look people in the eye as they greeted her. Head down, shoulders slumped; she headed to the nearest open seat and quietly slid into it. Her husband was a study in contrast. Confident, gregarious, he firmly shook hands and made polite small talk before striding over to sit beside his wife.

Years before she had been a decorated officer in the military. A leader of men and women. Shrinking violets do not earn those positions, so it was obvious the woman in that seat was only a shell of the woman she used to be. When anyone tried talking with her, she clasped her purse to her chest with both arms, glancing up only occasionally. If asked a question, she spoke briefly and timidly.

Abused?

Yes, but perhaps not in the way you think.

Her husband had never hit her or used his physical presence to intimidate her. No spousal rape or sexual domination. In fact, he had no idea that he abused her at all. He considered himself a good man that would never be so evil as to harm a woman. In fact, he was the type that would go to the defense of any woman being threatened physically.

More than that, he seemed not to notice his wife’s public timidity. His view was that she could hold her own and gave as well, if not better, than she got when they clashed. When she argued with him via email, she was forceful, angry, and articulate. She did the same aloud when they were alone. He held that perception of her to the degree that the behavior others saw seemed not to register with him. He saw a brawling, selfish witch. Others saw a frightened woman drowning in her own lack of confidence and esteem.

When the subject of controlling relationships came up, he was quick to tell how controlling his wife was. Not unusual: Often the person who is the most controlling is the one who feels the most controlled.

When he finally understood that the bulk of their problem was his behavior, he reacted first with anger, then regret, and finally genuine change. Their relationship changed in a matter of three days and the change is still in effect nearly three years later.

What Is Control?

People crave respect. They want to be accepted for who they are in reality, rather than having to pretend to meet someone else’s criteria. When treated as an inferior, they react badly. When they feel they have to pretend, living as a picture of what another wants rather than as the person they actually are, they slowly dissolve their own identity. Some become lost and never rediscover who they were. Others deteriorate for a while, but eventually hit a point of frustration that leads to defiance, anger, and rebellion. Yet others live between those extremes.

Picture the lion or tiger in a cage snarling and slapping at the tamer making them jump through hoops and put on a show. They show their anger, but ultimately comply because they do not wish to receive punishment, and they enjoy receiving reward. The award is not equal to the freedom they once had, but over time they submit themselves to captivity and the morsels handed by the one who controls them. The whip hurts; the morsels are tasty; compliance results. At least for some of the big cats. Others likely never yield to the control of the tamer. Maybe others do for a while, but finally have enough and fight back.

Though the illustration may miss the mark a place or two in actual lion taming, the idea makes clear how some marriages or relationships work. One person (man or woman) tries to make the other do, think, or feel a certain way, rather than accepting the natural differences that exist in individuals.

If their partner does not act as they wish, they bring about some type of punishment. It does not have to be physical. It can be emotional, mental, financial, sexual, or more. When the other person complies, a morsel of enjoyment comes their way, perhaps by the opposite of the method used to punish. For example, a woman may try to control her husband by withholding sexual favor when he does not do as she wishes, and giving him sexual pleasure when he does. A man may try to control his wife by controlling the finances in the home, punishing and rewarding based on whether she ignores or complies with his wishes.

The control may apply to more than action. Some individuals bicker and argue until their lover gives in and agrees to some point of thought. They think they won the argument; the yielding lover did not give in, they gave up. Ending the pain of the argument became more important than defending their thoughts or beliefs. The controlling spouse feels good that the other finally saw the light. The controlled spouse feels resentment.

Often the control applies even to emotions. The controller forces the controlled to claim an emotion that the controller wants, rather than the honest emotion that the controlled actually feels. In those relationships, “I love you” from the controlled may be a statement to avoid pain and get a morsel of reward rather than a declaration of actual sentiment.

Who Is the Controller?

One reason that controlling people often claim that they are controlled is that when they do not get what they want, they blame the other person. If he wants more lovemaking and she does not provide it, he views her as controlling him through sex and that may be the case. However, the difference in one who really is a controller and one who is being controlled is whether one allows the other to be who he or she truly is.

In the story that began this article, the husband controlled. He had so beaten his wife down with his arguing, intensity, and sense of self-righteousness that she had long since come to believe herself invalid. The reason they came to us for help was that she had finally reached a point of absolute rebellion. That is why she fought so hard in emails and when just the two of them were alone. However, her sense of inferiority developed from being corrected, cajoled, and coerced over the years made her doubt herself. Therefore, in public, she was a docile, fearful individual who could not look other people in the eye. She could fight him in private because she was full of resentment, but inside she feared that she really was inferior. Because of that low self-esteem, if there was anyone else in the room, she cowered. She was terrified that others would validate his superiority and her inferiority.

He felt she controlled because she had reached the point where she would react with anger rather than yielding. He did not get what he had always gotten when he overpowered her with his intensity of argument. That change angered him. When she fought back, though in private, he was convinced that no one could be married to a shrew such as her.

Two things happened to help him understand that he was the controller and not his wife.

First, other people in their marriage workshop reached out to her and validated her as a human being with value and worth. They accepted her as she was. Perhaps that was the first time she had had such direct validation in years. It gave her strength. Strength turned her anger into confidence and resolve. With great self-control, she calmly informed him the last day of the crisis marriage workshop that she would not tolerate being treated as inferior ever again. He would treat her as an equal or he would live without her in his world.

Second, one of the leaders of our workshop finally got through to the husband what he was doing. It is fine to have an opinion: It is not fine to force it on her. It is okay to want her to feel certain emotions: However, he had to accept that her feelings belonged to her, not him. He had no right to try to control what she felt. In the same way, he had no right to control any of her life. Overpowering another person by personality, intensity, argumentation, or any other means is in essence a form of slavery. Words and behaviors can be just as frightening as chains and whips.

What Should a Controlled Person Do?

As indicated above, sometimes controllers feel that they are the controlled. Having wise, objective counsel sometimes is essential to discovering whether one is the controlled or the controller.

Additionally, if one is truly being manipulated or controlled, that person has to make a decision that he or she will no longer live under those conditions. Anger will not solve the problem. Calm strength can. Therapy or counseling may be required. Almost certainly there must be a strong support group. Many find that through my LovePath 911 weekend for marriages in crisis. The couple in the story at the beginning of this article did.

Lastly, if someone is being physically controlled (violence, abuse, or similar), that person must seek professional intervention before any confrontation with the controller. Many cities have hotlines for abused people. If a person does not know where to find help, a talk with a caring physician or a call to the police can lead to the right resources.

Joe Beam founded LovePath International, an organization that provides marriage help to hurting couples. You may follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

Website: Marriage Helper

Who Cares What Your Children Pray?

Sun, 27 Mar 2011 00:00:00 -0500

It isn't unusual to overhear conversations like this. One lady told another that she should NOT stay in her marriage for the sake of her children. She offered the usual: make yourself happy; why should you be punished to stay with that guy just because he fathered your children; over time the kids will be better off. She added more but these generally covered the subject.

In those conversations, certain facts seem never to appear. Consider the indications of scientific research.

Divorce can affect children for many years, well into adulthood.

In 2006, "Family Process" published a scholarly article by Ahrons. She wrote about binuclear families. These are extended families, separate households that result from divorced spouses marrying someone else, as well as the families formed by their children when they eventually marry.

Of the negative consequences, she wrote:

... 173 grown children were interviewed 20 years after their parents' divorce ... The findings show that the parental subsystem continues to impact the binuclear family 20 years after marital disruption by exerting a strong influence on the quality of relationships within the family system... Of those who experienced the remarriage of both of their parents, two thirds reported that their father's remarriage was more stressful than their mother's. When children's relationships with their fathers deteriorated after divorce, their relationships with their paternal grandparents, stepmother, and step siblings were distant, negative, or nonexistent.

Divorce causes children pain, stress, and confusion.

In 2003 Kelley wrote in "Childhood." Though her article primarily encourages researchers to focus on developing healthy lives for children of divorce rather than lamenting the potential problems, she pointedly wrote about the pain most children feel:

Independent of the long-term consequences of divorce, the initial period following separation is quite stressful for the vast majority of children and adolescents, as they seem to have little emotional preparation for their parents' separation, and react with distress, anxiety, anger, shock and disbelief.

She did offer this exception:

Only those youngsters who witnessed or participated in high conflict and violence appeared to be notably relieved at the separation.

As one who works with marriages, I agree that violent marriages should not stay together, especially for the safety of the children, as well as one or both spouses. However, most who divorce aren't considering their children's safety. Most, in my experience, don't think much about the children at all. They focus on what they want and feel, and rationalize how that will be best for their children.

Divorcing people often do not consider the emotional needs or wants of their children.

A few years ago, I worked with a couple that had adopted several handicapped children. Their love for children led them to make the sacrifices they knew would be required of both husband and wife to raise those children to adulthood. Carefully, deliberately, and prayerfully they consciously thought through the entire process and together decided it was the right thing to do.

That worked fine for a few years. Then he fell in love with someone else. His intensity of passion for the new relationship did more than provide him the emotional rationalization to leave his wife. It provided him enough motivation to leave his wife to take care of those handicapped children. He claimed to love them, but when I asked if he loved them enough to stay with them and give them what they needed, he replied that he had to follow his heart and leave with his lover. When I pursued the conservation by asking what happened to his well-thought-out commitment that led to adopting those children, he shrugged. "Things change," he said.

On another occasion, I watched a mother leave her son who was ravaged by cancer. She had birthed him, raised him for years, and given him a mother's love. However, when "my Prince Charming" came into her life, she no longer felt any obligation to be there for her son as he struggled to live. "He has plenty of people to care about him. I need to do what I need to do for myself," she stated with little evidence of emotion. She had once been very religious, so I asked her what God thought of her abandoning the helpless child to the care of her husband while she started a life anew with someone else. "God loves me. He wants me to be happy. He wants me to do this."

What are your children praying?

Back in 1998, my wife and I saw the Sandra Bullock movie, "Hope Floats." I hope never to see it again.

Nothing against Sandra or the other actors; rather it was the scene where the daughter followed her father to his vehicle pleading, sobbing, and begging him not to leave. I remember reading at the time that the young actress became so distraught in the scene that Sandra impulsively came to the girl's emotional rescue. The girl threw herself into Bullock's arms continuing to sob in deep distress. It was the most emotionally devastated I have ever been at a movie. All I wanted to do was help that girl.

Of course, it was only a movie. Just acting, though at quite a cost. But it's real in so many ways. Tonight there are thousands of children praying alone in their bedrooms, begging God to stop Dad or Mom from fighting. Pleading with Him to lead their parents back into love. Fearing the apparently inevitable divorce that will split their family apart.

Who cares? Mom? Dad?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Over one million divorces will take place in the USA this year and the majority of those involve families with children. It's hard to say that those parents care what their children pray. They find all the excuses they can to make them feel okay about not working out the marriage for the sake of the children. That helps them deal with the emotions.

It doesn't help the children. It doesn't help their faith that God hears their prayers. It doesn't keep them from worrying that somehow they are being abandoned by a parent that they thought would live in the same house with them and love them forever.

It is definitely worth saving a marriage for the children.

No child has asked to be born. We bring them into existence. They don't owe us. We owe them. If we have the capability of reproducing, shouldn't we have the capability of responsibility?

If parents care enough, they will figure how to solve their problems and save their marriage. Not just save it; make it good.

Impossible?

Absolutely not. Since 1999 I've personally witnessed "impossible" marriages be saved. Not only saved, but husband and wife learned to be in love with each other again. On average, three out of four when they thought divorce was inevitable.

The only problems that are not solvable are those that involve continuing violence or abuse. No one should stay in those. As Kelley was quoted above, children in that environment actually feel relief when divorce comes.

Nearly everything else is fixable. It takes two things. Each spouse has to stop doing the things destroying the marriage. Each spouse has to start doing the things to make love grow.

God had Malachi the prophet put it in sobering truth:

Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

Has not the LORD made the two of you one? You belong to him in body and spirit. And why has he made you one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.

"I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate it when people clothe themselves with injustice," says the LORD Almighty.

So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful (Malachi 2:13-16 NIV).

To learn more about saving your marriage, get more information on my intensive weekend workshop that saves marriages in crisis.

Joe Beam founded LovePath International, an organization that provides marriage help to hurting couples. Follow him on Facebook.

Website: Marriage Helper

Trickle Down Parenting

Mon, 07 Mar 2011 00:00:00 -0600

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21 NIV).

Did you know that according to marriage experts the first major crisis in many marriage relationships is after the birth of their first child? With all the stresses of caring for a toddler, it's easy to see why trouble could erupt. To keep your marriage out of crisis, several things need to be considered.

Who's Your Baby?

One of the things I often say in my marriage seminars is that the reason the birth of the first child is often the first crisis in a marriage is because "mama has a new baby."

Before her child's birth, her husband was her baby. Maybe she woke up early to cook breakfast for him before he left for work, she paid close attention to him to ensure he was happy and comfortable and she planned her schedule around him. But when Heather's new baby, Tanner, was born, she altered her focus almost entirely.

When Jason got home from work, Heather hardly noticed. After a hard day of changing diapers, cleaning spilled milk off the carpet and listening to Tanner cry, her nerves were shot. Her exhaustion carried over to the bedroom, where the two hardly made love anymore.

Though Jason loved his son, he occasionally had feelings of resentment toward him.

What could this couple possibly do? They certainly would not ignore their child. But they would decide to ensure that they remembered their vows to each other.

Jason and Heather recommitted to making sure the other felt fulfilled and happy. They decided to reserve one night for the two of them to relax at home or go out for dinner. That night, a baby sitter whom they trusted would keep Tanner. Also, during Tanner's daily naps, Heather would nap. This way she could catch up on some of the sleep she lost from nursing Tanner during the night. After work, Jason prepared supper for Tanner and fed him while Heather cooked their supper. The two noticed a drop in stress simply because they refocused on each other.

Unity

After some time passed, Jason and Heather had raising a baby down to an art form. Though it was very hard work, they both felt a sense of pride in being parents and had renewed feelings of closeness and warmth for each other. However, the eye of the storm gave way to disaster when Tanner became a toddler.

Tanner learned that occasionally Jason gave in more than Heather. When Heather would put Tanner in bed for the night, Jason would often allow him to get in their bed. Heather did not like the loss of intimacy that resulted in Tanner sleeping in their bed and didn't appreciate Jason ignoring the rules she made for Tanner.

As Tanner began to learn he could go to "daddy" for a "second opinion," he would cry to Jason after Heather had said, "no." One day, when Heather went shopping, Jason kept Tanner. Tanner began asking Jason for a marker so he could draw. Both Tanner and Jason knew that Heather did not allow Tanner to play with markers. But Jason didn't think it would hurt anything.

When Heather came home to find the walls covered with scribbles, she was very upset. Jason hadn't noticed when Tanner snuck away from him.

The little guy had learned to manipulate Jason and Heather in order to get what he wanted. It wasn't because he was a bad little boy. It was simply because two-year olds live life only to please themselves. He would grow out of it in time, but until he did, Jason and Heather would have to set some more guidelines in order to protect their marriage.

They decided that they would determine rules together. And if one of them set a rule for Tanner to follow, that rule would stand simply because of the loyalty that existed between Jason and Heather.

It took a while, but Tanner learned that "mommy and daddy" were united in parenting. If one said no, the other did as well. This was difficult but Jason and Heather were determined to be just as focused on each other as they were on being parents.

To Be Good Parents, It Takes A Good Marriage

Though it's tempting to nurture our children above our marriage, statistics tell us that children in homes with parents in strong marriages are more successful, mentally stable and have more self-esteem on average than children in homes with parents in weak relationships.

In our make-believe scenario, everything worked out nicely for Jason and Heather. That isn't always the case. Therefore, I can't stress enough the importance of focusing on your marriage relationship just as much as you focus on being a good parent. By working to improve your marriage, not only are you helping yourself, you are helping your children.

If you have a son, he needs to see his father treat his mother with compassion, respect and love. If you have a daughter, she needs to see her mother treat her father with the same compassion, respect and love. Not only will it help them in the future, but it provides them a pleasant home and a healthy attitude toward God's institution of marriage.

So practice the "trickle-down effect" with your family. The good things in your marriage will usually trickle down to your children and, hopefully, to their children and generations to come.

Website: Marriage Helper

Love Path 911: Can We Have a Good Marriage?

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Special Note:

Each week, Joe Beam is answering questions submitted by Heartlight.org subscribers based on his counseling experience, academic research, and heart for people as a minister. You can submit your questions to ask@joebeam.com.

Question:

After all the pain we've been through with our "mess," can we actually have a good marriage? -- from Broken in Austin

Answer:

The short answer is yes, no matter what has happened in the past, a relationship can have a great future.

Perhaps the best way to illustrate this is to compare the love between spouses with the love between our Lord and his bride, the church. If any groom has been repeatedly and severely hurt by his bride, it is the Lord. Think of all the pain she has caused him over the centuries -- unfaithfulness, hard-heartedness, hypocrisy, and worse. Yet, we know from a plethora of scriptures that he forgives, reconciles, and pours blessings on his wayward bride when she repents and turns to him. He keeps no record of her wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5). He endures (1 Corinthians 13:7). Though the church betrayed him, he gave himself to remove her guilt so that he could view her as blameless (Ephesians 5:25-27). The Lord puts her sin as far away from her as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12) and chooses not to bring them up again, either to her or to himself (Hebrews 8:12).

That is the way to make a relationship good. Repentance. Forgiveness. Moving on toward the future without hanging on to past hurt and harm.

If you think that Jesus is the only one who could be so gracious and that human beings cannot do what he did, think again. In my experience with thousands of couples, I've witnessed remarkable mercy and grace that has led to nearly unfathomable reconciliation. Name it and likely I've seen at least one couple deal with it, overcome, and make a great marriage. Abuse, addictions, adultery, arguments, abandonment -- to save space, you just fill out the alphabet with anything you've faced in your relationship. For example, one wife forgave her husband (with a bit of help, you understand), for a dozen affairs over the life of their marriage. They now serve in a leadership position in their church. Another example, a husband forgave his wife as she left her lover to save her marriage -- even though she still loved the paramour when she decided to do right and return home. They are now deeply in love and have a wonderful marriage.

Through penitence, forgiveness, and reconciliation, anything can be overcome. With time, broken and mangled marriages can be wonderful and fulfilling. It is the miracle of grace.

Yes, no matter what has happened in the past, your relationship can have a great future.

If you have a question about love and relationships, send them to me at ask@JoeBeam.com. I'll answer 1 or 2 questions each week, using my counseling experience, academic research, and a deep respect for God's Word.
	And if your marriage is in trouble, we can help. Go to http://www.JoeBeam.com. Our success rate, even if one partner comes reluctantly, is three out of four marriages.
Take the Love Path Marriage Compatibility Test!	Find out more about the Love Path 911 "Save Your Marriage Seminar."

Website: Marriage Helper

Love Path 911: Email Betrayal

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0600

My husband had an email affair with an old girl friend; I found the emails and am devastated! Though he ended it, I want to go through the emails with him; he wrote that it was the real thing and that he didn't know if he loved me. He gets mad and says I am always going to throw it up in his face. Should he have to face those emails and answer or should I just forgive him and love him and work on marriage?

Paul wrote in Ephesians that we are to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), put away falsehood and always speak truthfully (Ephesians 4:25), and say those things "helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (Ephesians 4:29).

His actions devastated you and you need to understand what he was thinking or feeling. It is important for him to answer your questions because it will tear you down if you don't know. Your doubts, fears, and anticipations will keep you miserable and afraid. You need to be freed from the tyranny of the unknown and the only way to find that freedom is to know the truth.

Your husband's anger may mean that he is embarrassed. Or he is afraid that if you know the truth you will leave him. He may fear you telling others. However, there are consequences to actions (Galatians 6:7-8) and it is unfair for him to expect you to forget and move on so that he doesn't have to face the pain or guilt of what he did. Furthermore, genuine confession paves the way to healing (James 5:16).

If he does not work through this with you, you will have a difficult time trusting him again and he may never deal with the impact of his own actions. However, don't expect him to be able to explain everything he wrote or why he wrote them. In emotional situations people often do things they cannot explain. Rather than focusing on those emails, you will do much better to deal with the larger question of why and then figure out together how to build the marriage you both want and need. If we can help, we'd love to, check out our information listed below.

If you have a question about love and relationships, send them to me at ask@JoeBeam.com. I'll answer 1 or 2 questions each week, using my counseling experience, academic research, and a deep respect for God's Word.
	And if your marriage is in trouble, we can help. Go to http://www.JoeBeam.com. Our success rate, even if one partner comes reluctantly, is three out of four marriages.
Take the Love Path Marriage Compatibility Test!	Find out more about the Love Path 911 "Save Your Marriage Seminar."

Website: Marriage Helper

Love Path 911: What is Biblically Appropriate?

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0600

According to the Word of God, what are the "can and cannot do's" when it comes to a sexual relationship in a marriage? (In other words, is foreplay and intimately touching other parts of your spouse's body allowed) -- J.P.

Twice on NBC's Today Show, I've been asked similar questions. It seems that a great number of people, Christian or not, want to know what the Bible says is okay in sexual practice. Before I summarize the "can," let's quickly examine the "cannot."

The Bible forbids:

Incest -- sexual contact with certain relatives (Leviticus 18:7-17; Leviticus 20:11-19)

Homosexuality -- sexual contact with your same gender (Leviticus 18:22; Leviticus 20:1; Romans 1:24-28)

Rape -- forcing sexual contact on another (Deuteronomy 22:23-29)

Consensual sex outside of marriage(Exodus 22:16-17)

Adultery -- breaking of the marital contract, especially by having sex with someone other than mate (Leviticus 20:10; Deuteronomy 22:22; Hebrews 13:4)

Lust -- craving sexual contact with someone other than spouse (Exodus 20:17; Matthew 5:27-28)

Prostitution -- selling or trading sexual activities (Deuteronomy 23:17-18; 1 Corinthians 6:15)

Bestiality -- sexual contact with an animal (Leviticus 20:15-16)

Menstrual sex -- sexual intercourse while the women is in menses (Leviticus 15:24, Leviticus 18:19, Leviticus 20:18) [Many believe this may be specific to Old Testament and not applicable today.]

Harm -- anything that does harm to the body (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

My summary of the above pulls everything into three categories for people of God:

We may not have sex -- in reality or fantasy -- with any person other than our spouses.

Bestiality must never occur.

Nothing should be done that causes harm to either person.

Other than that, I see no Biblical prohibitions. In my understanding of the Bible, anything that does not violate any of the above three principles is quite okay for a married couple. Additionally, there are passages in the Song of Solomon that demonstrate that loving union between husband and wife can involve various activities addressing various parts of the body. As to one of the specifics you mention in your question, in Song of Solomon 4:16, it appears that Solomon's wife requested this. If you wish to know more, or have a deeper explanation, please write me at ask@JoeBeam.com.

If you have trouble with the sex life in your marriage, we may be able to help.
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