Articles by Joe Beam at Heartlight

Love Path 911: Can We Have a Good Marriage?

joe@joebeam.com (Joe Beam) — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Special Note:

Each week, Joe Beam is answering questions submitted by Heartlight.org subscribers based on his counseling experience, academic research, and heart for people as a minister. You can submit your questions to ask@joebeam.com.

Question:

After all the pain we've been through with our "mess," can we actually have a good marriage? -- from Broken in Austin

Answer:

The short answer is yes, no matter what has happened in the past, a relationship can have a great future.

Perhaps the best way to illustrate this is to compare the love between spouses with the love between our Lord and his bride, the church. If any groom has been repeatedly and severely hurt by his bride, it is the Lord. Think of all the pain she has caused him over the centuries -- unfaithfulness, hard-heartedness, hypocrisy, and worse. Yet, we know from a plethora of scriptures that he forgives, reconciles, and pours blessings on his wayward bride when she repents and turns to him. He keeps no record of her wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5). He endures (1 Corinthians 13:7). Though the church betrayed him, he gave himself to remove her guilt so that he could view her as blameless (Ephesians 5:25-27). The Lord puts her sin as far away from her as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12) and chooses not to bring them up again, either to her or to himself (Hebrews 8:12).

That is the way to make a relationship good. Repentance. Forgiveness. Moving on toward the future without hanging on to past hurt and harm.

If you think that Jesus is the only one who could be so gracious and that human beings cannot do what he did, think again. In my experience with thousands of couples, I've witnessed remarkable mercy and grace that has led to nearly unfathomable reconciliation. Name it and likely I've seen at least one couple deal with it, overcome, and make a great marriage. Abuse, addictions, adultery, arguments, abandonment -- to save space, you just fill out the alphabet with anything you've faced in your relationship. For example, one wife forgave her husband (with a bit of help, you understand), for a dozen affairs over the life of their marriage. They now serve in a leadership position in their church. Another example, a husband forgave his wife as she left her lover to save her marriage -- even though she still loved the paramour when she decided to do right and return home. They are now deeply in love and have a wonderful marriage.

Through penitence, forgiveness, and reconciliation, anything can be overcome. With time, broken and mangled marriages can be wonderful and fulfilling. It is the miracle of grace.

Yes, no matter what has happened in the past, your relationship can have a great future.

If you have a question about love and relationships, send them to me at ask@JoeBeam.com. I'll answer 1 or 2 questions each week, using my counseling experience, academic research, and a deep respect for God's Word.
	And if your marriage is in trouble, we can help. Go to http://www.JoeBeam.com. Our success rate, even if one partner comes reluctantly, is three out of four marriages.
Take the Love Path Marriage Compatibility Test!	Find out more about the Love Path 911 "Save Your Marriage Seminar."

Joe Beam has given much of life and ministry to reclaiming marriage and helping couples find holy intimacy with God and with each other. He willingly works with marriages most others have given up on saving. Email Joe

Website: Marriage Saver

Love Path 911: Email Betrayal

joe@joebeam.com (Joe Beam) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0600

My husband had an email affair with an old girl friend; I found the emails and am devastated! Though he ended it, I want to go through the emails with him; he wrote that it was the real thing and that he didn't know if he loved me. He gets mad and says I am always going to throw it up in his face. Should he have to face those emails and answer or should I just forgive him and love him and work on marriage?

Paul wrote in Ephesians that we are to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), put away falsehood and always speak truthfully (Ephesians 4:25), and say those things "helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (Ephesians 4:29).

His actions devastated you and you need to understand what he was thinking or feeling. It is important for him to answer your questions because it will tear you down if you don't know. Your doubts, fears, and anticipations will keep you miserable and afraid. You need to be freed from the tyranny of the unknown and the only way to find that freedom is to know the truth.

Your husband's anger may mean that he is embarrassed. Or he is afraid that if you know the truth you will leave him. He may fear you telling others. However, there are consequences to actions (Galatians 6:7-8) and it is unfair for him to expect you to forget and move on so that he doesn't have to face the pain or guilt of what he did. Furthermore, genuine confession paves the way to healing (James 5:16).

If he does not work through this with you, you will have a difficult time trusting him again and he may never deal with the impact of his own actions. However, don't expect him to be able to explain everything he wrote or why he wrote them. In emotional situations people often do things they cannot explain. Rather than focusing on those emails, you will do much better to deal with the larger question of why and then figure out together how to build the marriage you both want and need. If we can help, we'd love to, check out our information listed below.

If you have a question about love and relationships, send them to me at ask@JoeBeam.com. I'll answer 1 or 2 questions each week, using my counseling experience, academic research, and a deep respect for God's Word.
	And if your marriage is in trouble, we can help. Go to http://www.JoeBeam.com. Our success rate, even if one partner comes reluctantly, is three out of four marriages.
Take the Love Path Marriage Compatibility Test!	Find out more about the Love Path 911 "Save Your Marriage Seminar."

Website: Marriage Saver

Love Path 911: What is Biblically Appropriate?

joe@joebeam.com (Joe Beam) — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0600

According to the Word of God, what are the "can and cannot do's" when it comes to a sexual relationship in a marriage? (In other words, is foreplay and intimately touching other parts of your spouse's body allowed) -- J.P.

Twice on NBC's Today Show, I've been asked similar questions. It seems that a great number of people, Christian or not, want to know what the Bible says is okay in sexual practice. Before I summarize the "can," let's quickly examine the "cannot."

The Bible forbids:

Incest -- sexual contact with certain relatives (Leviticus 18:7-17; Leviticus 20:11-19)

Homosexuality -- sexual contact with your same gender (Leviticus 18:22; Leviticus 20:1; Romans 1:24-28)

Rape -- forcing sexual contact on another (Deuteronomy 22:23-29)

Consensual sex outside of marriage(Exodus 22:16-17)

Adultery -- breaking of the marital contract, especially by having sex with someone other than mate (Leviticus 20:10; Deuteronomy 22:22; Hebrews 13:4)

Lust -- craving sexual contact with someone other than spouse (Exodus 20:17; Matthew 5:27-28)

Prostitution -- selling or trading sexual activities (Deuteronomy 23:17-18; 1 Corinthians 6:15)

Bestiality -- sexual contact with an animal (Leviticus 20:15-16)

Menstrual sex -- sexual intercourse while the women is in menses (Leviticus 15:24, Leviticus 18:19, Leviticus 20:18) [Many believe this may be specific to Old Testament and not applicable today.]

Harm -- anything that does harm to the body (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

My summary of the above pulls everything into three categories for people of God:

We may not have sex -- in reality or fantasy -- with any person other than our spouses.

Bestiality must never occur.

Nothing should be done that causes harm to either person.

Other than that, I see no Biblical prohibitions. In my understanding of the Bible, anything that does not violate any of the above three principles is quite okay for a married couple. Additionally, there are passages in the Song of Solomon that demonstrate that loving union between husband and wife can involve various activities addressing various parts of the body. As to one of the specifics you mention in your question, in Song of Solomon 4:16, it appears that Solomon's wife requested this. If you wish to know more, or have a deeper explanation, please write me at ask@JoeBeam.com.

If you have trouble with the sex life in your marriage, we may be able to help.
http://www.LovePathInternational.com.

If you have a question about love and relationships, send them to me at ask@JoeBeam.com. I'll answer 1 or 2 questions each week, using my counseling experience, academic research, and a deep respect for God's Word.
	And if your marriage is in trouble, we can help. Go to http://www.JoeBeam.com. Our success rate, even if one partner comes reluctantly, is three out of four marriages.
Take the Love Path Marriage Compatibility Test!	Find out more about the Love Path 911 "Save Your Marriage Seminar."

Website: Marriage Saver

Love Path 911: Desire & Lovemaking

joe@joebeam.com (Joe Beam) — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0600

I am a 46 yr old male going on 11 yrs of marriage. I do not have a strong sexual drive. What should I look into to help pick up my desire and drive? I have a great wife who has way more drive then I do. -- T. B.

According to the Bible, the female has sexual needs (1 Corinthians 7:2-5). It isn't just the wife who is commanded to fulfill marital duty to the husband, but also the husband to the wife. It isn't just her body that belongs to him but also his body that belongs to her. Kudos to you for understanding this and wanting to please her.

You ask what you should "look into" to help increase desire. Interestingly, there are a few aphrodisiacs validated by research. However, before guiding you to herbs and medicines, I suggest you try another approach first. It really makes no difference whether a person's desire is strong, if that person can become adequately aroused (physically, mentally, and emotionally) and can reach climax. In other words, you don't have to want to make love to have a good lovemaking experience. Pursuing the fulfillment of your wife's sexual needs is a wonderful act of love, especially when you don't have the sexual desire to do so.

Remember these words from the apostle Paul to early believers in Ephesus?

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21).

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25).

As you recall from Jesus' pleading in the garden, he did not desire the cross, but he gave the greatest act of love ever known by doing it because we needed it (Mark 14:36). I'm not comparing your making love to your wife as equal to Jesus' sacrifice, but it is in the spirit of his selfless love.

Plan regular lovemaking sessions -- 2 to 3 times a week is best -- and make them happen whether you feel desire or not. Be creative in planning and execution, and you likely will discover that your desire will increase on its own. (My book Becoming One may help.)

If you have a question about love and relationships, send them to me at ask@JoeBeam.com. I'll answer 1 or 2 questions each week, using my counseling experience, academic research, and a deep respect for God's Word.
	And if your marriage is in trouble, we can help. Go to http://www.JoeBeam.com. Our success rate, even if one partner comes reluctantly, is three out of four marriages.
Take the Love Path Marriage Compatibility Test!	Find out more about the Love Path 911 "Save Your Marriage Seminar."

Website: Marriage Saver

Love Path 911: Heart Attack & Intimacy

joe@joebeam.com (Joe Beam) — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0600

Each week, Joe Beam is answering questions submitted by Heartlight.org subscribers based on his counselor's experience, academic research, and heart for people as a minister. You can submit your questions to ask@joebeam.com.

Question:

My husband and I had a great sex life until he had a heart attack. Now he seems to have no interest. Does a heart attack do that? If he would just hug me or something -- I don't have to have sex -- just to let me know he still loves me, I think I would feel better. What is your advice?

Though the Bible speaks often of the brevity of life (Job 7:6-7; Job 9:25-26; Job 14:1; Psalm 78:39; Psalm 90:9; Psalm 103:15-16; and many others), most of us don't think of our own deaths until we face its possibility through disease, injury, age, or the death of someone similar to or loved by us. Thinking of our deaths may cause us to feel sadness or fear. It may lead us to consider the next life, whether there is one, and what it will be like (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18). For some it leads to a type of giving up, because life seems so frail.

Some heart attack survivors worry that sexual activity may induce another heart attack. The best way to work through that fear is medical and emotional counseling for both of you. What concerns me more is that he stopped signs of intimacy such as hugging. That may mean that he is depressed. Ask him to take an online "test" that measures the likelihood of depression. If he is, he needs medication until he overcomes this. A doctor should evaluate that.

In the meantime, gently show him affection in a nonsexual way. Hug him often. Snuggle next to him on the sofa. Cuddle as you sleep. Sometimes just hold him (Song 2:6). Remind him occasionally of the things you find wonderful about him (Song 5:10-16). Don't allow his distance to make you distant as well. Give him the gentle reassurance that comes only from a loving spouse.

Have Bible reading time together. Choose passages that speak of God's Spirit, the abundant life (John 10:10), and glory to come (1 Corinthians 15:35-58). Be sure to pray together every day, openly sharing your heart before God in the hearing of your mate. When he does the same, his emotional healing will come.

If you have a question about love and relationships, send them to me at ask@JoeBeam.com. I'll answer 1 or 2 questions each week, using my counselor's experience, academic research, and a deep respect for God's Word.
	And if your marriage is in trouble, we can help. Go to http://www.JoeBeam.com. Our success rate, even if one partner comes reluctantly, is three out of four marriages.
Take the Love Path Marriage Compatibility Test!	Find out more about the Love Path 911 "Save Your Marriage Seminar."

Website: Marriage Saver

Love Path 911: Emotional Affair

joe@joebeam.com (Joe Beam) — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 00:00:00 -0600

Each week Joe beam answers questions our readers submit to him about love, sex, marriage, and relationships based on his years of experience as a counselor and minister.

Question:

Never thought I'd be asking this question as a Christian or as a woman who was cheated on by her former husband. What do you do when you love a married man? He has been in a loveless marriage for years and is frustrated because the counselor comes up with ways for them to reconnect but his wife says she "can't go there." If a marriage continues to be daily hell, does God desire us to stay there? -- L. S.

God intended marriage to be a relationship of love. As the Shulamite wrote of her husband Solomon, "I belong to my lover and his desire is for me" (Song of Solomon 7:10 NIV). Unfortunately, sometimes it turns out differently. Why? Jesus said, “Moses provided for divorce as a concession to your hardheartedness, but it is not part of God’s original plan" (Matthew 19:8 MSG).

You are hearing only one side of the story, and hearing the wife's side of things might change your view (Proverbs 18:17). Even if it is as bad as described, when counseling fails there are many programs that God uses to work miracles with marriages in trouble. (Example: www.LovePathInternational.com) However, a major problem exists in the situation you describe: You.

As long as the husband has a confidant -- especially a confidant in love with him -- he cannot focus on repairing his marriage. When people have a viable "out" awaiting them, it affects the way they see life, marriage, and the future. In short, he will not have reliable judgment about his marriage as long as he has relationship with you. He cannot be objective and neither can you.

Jesus made it clear that adultery -- violation of the marriage contract -- exists before a married person has sexual contact with another (Matthew 5:28). He commands that the tempted spouse must remove the temptation, no matter how painful (Matthew 5:29-30). As a Christian woman, especially one who knows the heartbreak of being cheated on, please remove yourself from this man's life immediately. Write him a firm "goodbye" letter, give up any hope of having him, and direct him to us, or someone like us, so that his marriage might have a chance of healing.

If you have a question about love and relationships, send them to me at ask@JoeBeam.com. I'll answer 1 or 2 questions each week, using my counselor's experience, academic research, and a deep respect for God's Word.
	And if your marriage is in trouble, we can help. Go to http://www.JoeBeam.com. Our success rate, even if one partner comes reluctantly, is three out of four marriages.
Take the Love Path Marriage Compatibility Test!	Find out more about the Love Path 911 "Save Your Marriage Seminar."

Website: Marriage Saver

Love Path: FAQ

joe@joebeam.com (Joe Beam) — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 00:00:00 -0600

Where can I go to get answers to my questions about love and marriage? Where can I go especially for those hard to ask questions? Where can I turn to deepen my relationship with my spouse? What can I do when things are a mess between my spouse and me? How can I better understand God's Word and what it says about love and marriage?

On Thursdays, you get to ask those questions and get answers from Joe Beam. Over 100,000 people have enrolled in Joe's courses, seminars, and workshops. He's appeared on national programs such as NBC's Today, ABC's Good Morning America, The Montel Williams Show, and Focus on the Family. You may have seen him in People magazine or Better Homes and Gardens or read one of his books or articles. Joe is also a Christian minister who will answer questions about love and relationships. Send him your questions: ask@JoeBeam.com.

So let's start with two frequently asked questions.

How can we fall more deeply in love?

The good news is that you CAN! No matter how much you love each other now -- or how much you DON'T love each other now -- you can find increasingly deep and wonderful love. When you think about it, love must be something we can make grow or God wouldn't have commanded it (Ephesians 5:25; Colossians 3:19; John 13:34-35)! But how can you do that in your marriage?

No matter how much you love each other now -- or how much you DON'T love each other now -- you can find increasingly deep and wonderful love. However, you may want to decide which type love you want to increase. Romantic? Infatuation? Fatuous? Companionate? Friendship? Empty? Consummate? According to the research of Robert Sternberg, PhD, all seven of those are a type of love that may exist in a relationship. You can learn more about those in my book Your LovePath.

Right now let's narrow it down to two broader kinds of love -- passion and bonding. If you want to replicate the type of passion you had in the first years of your courtship, sorry. That's called limerence and it won't be coming back -- except possible brief spurts -- no matter what you do. The other kind, bonding, can and will get deeper, more fulfilling, and more important each year of your life together. It doesn't have the same type of thrill early romance does, but it has a depth romance that courtship by itself can never achieve.

To bond deeper with each other, do the following -- and there is strong medical, scientific, and Biblical evidence for everything listed. Treat each other with warmth and kindness. Hug and kiss often. Hold hands. Talk about intimate matters while accepting the other as s/he truly is. And bless each other with sexual fulfillment ... which leads us to our next question!

How often should a married couple make love?

My PhD work is in Biomedical Science at the University of Sydney. More specifically, my research is in marital and sexual satisfaction. In essence, my doctoral work is in sexology. That means I read thousands of pages of the latest research every year. Much of this research intersects God's principles in Scripture in powerful ways.

The psalmist proclaims that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14). You see, God made us to share in a "one flesh" union as husband and wife (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:4-6). He makes clear in Scripture that we are to bless and fulfill our spouses sexually (1 Corinthians 7:2-5; Proverbs 5:1-23). Medical research has helped us better understand just how wonderfully we are made in this regard.

We used to tell a couple that they should work out a lovemaking schedule best for them. We now know better. Medical science is discovering just how often God designed our bodies to be sexually fulfilled. An Israeli study showed that the more often a woman has sexual fulfillment (orgasm), the less likelihood she has of having a heart attack. (No, I didn't make that up, nor did I make up any of the following.) A British study showed that the more often men reach sexual fulfillment, the less likely they are to have a fatal heart attack. Regular sexual fulfillment for a man also reduces his chances of getting prostate cancer. If the husband's issue regularly enters the wife's body (no barrier such as certain birth control devices), then she has less likelihood of having breast cancer. That works even if he's had a vasectomy. The list goes on and on, even to the point of pain control. Achieving sexual fulfillment has an analgesic effect. One famous sexologist has a lecture titled, "Please, tonight, I have a headache."

So how often should this "regular fulfillment" occur to get all these benefits? Two to three times a week. Most of the studies cited above found that frequency to be important to the medical benefits. Interestingly, a man's body makes a new batch of millions of sperm every seventy-two hours, which is more evidence that God made us to have sexual fulfillment two to three times a week. And in addition to the medicinal benefits, making love that frequently also releases oxytocin, which helps bond the couple to each other. That's fascinating in light of our command to fulfill each other found in 1 Corinthians 7, isn't it?

Take the Love Path Marriage Compatibility Test!	Find out more about the Love Path 911 "Save Your Marriage Seminar."
If you have a question about love and relationships, send them to me at ask@JoeBeam.com. I'll answer 1 or 2 questions each week, using my counselor's experience, academic research, and a deep respect for God's Word.
	And if your marriage is in trouble, we can help. Go to http://www.JoeBeam.com. Our success rate, even if one partner comes reluctantly, is three out of four marriages.

Website: Marriage Saver