Irreconcilable Differences

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0500

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21 NIV).

Couples seeking a divorce often list "irreconcilable differences" as their reason for dissolving their marriage. They have issues between them that they feel cannot be resolved; therefore, they seek a permanent separation.

What are some of these "irreconcilable differences"?

Sometimes the issues are trivial. It is not uncommon for some people to fight and split over issues of not getting to buy all the personal items they want, such as clothing or cars. I actually read about a couple divorcing because they cheered for different football teams.

Usually the issues are more serious. One of the partners might have an addiction that is disrupting the marriage and family. One might be a big spender and drives the family into debt. One partner might be very aggressive, intimidating the more subdued partner. Sometimes one of the spouses is very critical of the other spouse, making him or her feel devalued and unappreciated. These problems that seem irreconcilable are pretty serious, and frequently hurt the feelings or self esteem of the other partner.

What does it mean that the problems are irreconcilable? It means that the couple has, presumably, worked on the problems, but has not been able to achieve any kind of resolution. Talking to each other, visiting with church leaders, prayer, and even counseling have not stopped the offending behavior. One party in the marriage continues to practice their addiction, spend carelessly, be overly aggressive, criticize too much or whatever the "differences" are. What is a couple to do?

At this point, some couples divorce. In fairness to people who profess irreconcilable differences, some of these people have suffered greatly. They have genuinely tried to work on their problems. They have taken inventory of their own lives and contributions to their marital problems, talked to their spouses, read books and sought help from professionals. Still the problems persist. What else can they do? Divorce seems to be a reasonable option.

But consider two things. One, every marriage has irreconcilable differences. Every couple I have ever spoken to admits to having some issues that they just can't resolve to the satisfaction of both parties. They learn to accept the other person, they live with the inconvenience of their differences, they even learn to change their expectations so the intensity of the differences lessens. Think about it: don't you have differences with nearly every significant person in your life? Why should marriage be any different?

Secondly, no matter how stressful the differences are, God wants us to hold our marriages together. About marriage Jesus said, "... The two will become one flesh. So, they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate" (Matthew 19:6). In many marriages, a man and woman find a way to overcome, overlook, or even rise above their irreconcilable differences. They create a union that becomes bigger than their personal choices and desires. They live for their partner. They stay together.*

I've seen too many husbands and wives walk away from each other because of differences they did not believe they could survive. Yet, millions of other couples survive those same difficulties and end up building strong homes. When couples divorce, then remarry, they often find that the same problems they fled in their previous marriage existing in their next one. Differences are impossible to avoid because they are the stuff of life! The best suggestion for a couple struggling with irreconcilable differences, the biblical call, is to stay in your marriage and continue to work on it. I'm simply asking that we encourage folks to seek God and stay together if at all possible. It won't be easy, but if you BOTH seek to place God first and respect each other, the Lord will somehow see you through and will bless your commitment and covenant.

* Let me point out that physical or emotional abuse is in another category than differences. There are laws to protect people from abuse, even husbands and wives from each other. Even in cases of abuse, though, I've known of couples getting counseling and working their marriages out.
[Editor's Note: We encourage couples that are impacted by one of the three A's -- Abuse, Addiction, and Adultery -- to seek help of an experienced Christian counselor to help them deal safely and redemptively with the serious situations they face.]

East from West

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0500

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us (Psalm 103:11-12).

This verse is a cool drink of grace for someone sweating under the intense heat of sin. It is freeing for someone struggling under the oppressive weight of guilt. It is refreshing, like a gust of cool air, for someone suffocating from shame and embarrassment.

How far is the east from the west? Well, that can't be calculated. The distance is impossible to measure. Not only is the east far from the west, it runs in a different direction, meaning the two can never meet. "East is East and West is West, and never the twain shall meet" (Kipling, "The Ballad of East and West").

That means that when God removes our sin, it is so far away from us it can never entangle and ensnare us again. It is gone and traveling in an opposite direction from us. Never shall we meet that sin again.

Of course, we will likely sin again. That is why we keep a penitent heart. That is why we keep crying out, "Lord, forgive me (us)." In his kindness God keeps forgiving! "He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities" (Psalm 103:10). In his grace he removes our sin as far away from us as the east is from the west.

There is another angle to this verse. In the original language of the Old Testament the word for "from us" also means "from himself" -- i.e., God has removed the sin from us personally and from our relationship with him, as well (Holladay, "Psalms Through 3,000 Years," p.325). So, not only does God remove our sin "from us," he also removes it from himself. Our forgiven sin is as far from God as the east is distanced from the west. Our forgiven sin is completely and irrevocably removed from God's presence. Do you realize how powerful that reality is?

Now there is a good reason for guilt. Guilt is the realization that we are sinners. It can be the motivating factor that drives us to our knees before a trusted friend to pour out our hearts. It is the driving force behind our cry for mercy before the throne of God. Guilt moves us back to God and opens the door for our sin to be forgiven and hearts cleansed. But once we have poured out our hearts to a Christian brother or sister and to God, guilt has served its purpose. The sin behind the guilt has been sent east as we travel west. We need to send our shame packing with it. If we don't trust God to remove our guilt from us, it can become toxic and become personal shame.

Personal shame is a constant companion to many. Shame is the feeling that deep down inside ourselves we are much more sinful, evil, and despicable than the image we cast to the world outside ourselves. When we aren't honest with God and others about our guilt, shame begins to destroy us. Shame is what causes us to turn our head and avoid eye contact. It is what makes us cry in private rather than share our sin and pain with someone else lest they reject us. Shame is that feeling that we are dirty and will never be good enough for ourselves, others, or God. Shame is not trusting God to forgive us and cleanse us of our guilt. Shame is one of the most potent self-destructive secret attitudes.

Because of shame, a husband could not look his wife in the eye and beg, "I am sorry for my sin, please forgive me." He left her instead. Shame caused an abused 14 year old girl to abort her baby and begin a run of dangerous relationships for ten years. Shame drove a young drug addict, whose baby ate some of her drugs, to the brink of insanity because of her irresponsibility.

I wish I could go back to all three of these people and say, "Hey, guess what! God can remove your sin. And with that, he can remove your guilt. When he removes it from you, he also removes it from his presence. That means God welcomes you into his presence. There is not one sin, not one bad decision, not one instance of abuse that you have suffered, that has to keep you from the loving compassion of God."

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from himself."

That means we can lift our heads, look God in the eye, and say, "Thank you!" It means we can live again, without the shame!

Articles by Warren Baldwin at Heartlight

Irreconcilable Differences

East from West