Articles by Hal Runkel, LFT at Heartlight

Give Your Kids a Sporting Chance

hal@screamfree.com (Hal Runkel, LFT) — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 00:00:00 -0500

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone (Colossians 4:6 TNIV).

It's that time of year again. Fall sports are in full swing and that can be a great thing. Through sports, kids can learn about fair play, respect, and determination. Teaching good sportsmanship to our children is one of the great responsibilities of parenthood. Unfortunately, "good" sportsmanship isn't the only thing they can learn from their coaches, teammates, and you. So, how do we go about teaching this valuable lesson to our kids in a culture that seems to value it less and less? Good question.

In my ten years of parenting thus far, I have had the honor and pleasure of coaching about 8 seasons of Little League, soccer, and softball. The vast majority of that experience has been both honorable and pleasurable.

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But there have been a few occasions when I have witnessed a lack of sportsmanship on the part of coaches; and for me, this is a zero tolerance issue. When my son was six, he went to a summer baseball camp. It ended up being run by college kids. My son came home in tears after the second day reporting that the coaches yelled at the players and called them names for not trying hard enough. I immediately went into full investigative mode by first contacting other parents to see if their sons reported the same thing. I then contacted the coaches and the camp administrators. It turns out my son was telling the truth; the college-aged coaches were practicing with six-year olds what they themselves were experiencing from their own coaches. The camp administrators were very grateful to hear from me and they admitted that they were suspicious of one coach in particular. He was immediately removed, but it took a while for my son to trust coaches again.

I want my kids to love sports, to love physical activity, to love teamwork and love structured competition. And bad examples from their coaches who care more about winning games than winning hearts for sports are simply not acceptable. Period. Address the situation, remove your child, do whatever it takes.

I believe there are three elements to sportsmanship: rules, etiquette, and culture. As a coach and as a parent, I try to pay attention to all three.

Rules:
Rules are simply the structure of the game itself. Every sport has established rules that provide the freedom to play, much like railroad tracks give the train freedom to travel. The rules of the game are the non-negotiables and the best way to teach those rules is by obeying them ourselves. Cheating, in any way, is not just a bad example, it actually introduces the very chaos and instability of life that sports can help us conquer.

Think about it -- life is very confusing and difficult. It is full of ever-changing people playing by ever-changing rules, Sports, at their best, invite us into a small world that can protect us from that chaos by providing a clearly agreed-upon structure that encourages freedom of expression and friendly, growth-inducing competition. When parents and coaches fail to teach the rules of the game, and fail to obey those rules themselves, sportsmanship is not the only casualty. Chaos triumphs over stability and security as well. Something for us all to think about when tempted to play our best little league player a few more innings than the time allows, or tempted to secretly send coaching signals to our budding tennis phenom.

Etiquette:
Like rules, the practices of a sport's etiquette can differ greatly from sport to sport. But unlike rules, these practices are not enforceable by referees or umpires or league commissioners. The practices of etiquette are not agreed upon by rules committees; they have evolved as a way for sports to retain a spirit of courtesy and respect between combatants and for the game itself.

In tennis, for instance, you shake hands over the net after a match. In baseball, you line up on the baselines and congratulate the other team with your right hands at the end of the game. In boxing, you touch gloves at the beginning of the first and last rounds. In basketball, you volunteer your culpability, after a bad pass, a defensive lapse, or a hard foul. And perhaps no sport has more specific practices of etiquette than golf, from staying quiet during an opponent's swing to avoiding someone's putting line on the green.

These "rules" of etiquette are not published in bylaws somewhere, nor even discussed between opponents before a game, but violating them can arouse as much anger as cheating. Etiquette is what makes the game humane, what elevates the game above animalistic conflict.

Teaching etiquette is therefore extremely important, I believe. That necessarily means educating ourselves as parents and/or coaches about the particular etiquette practices of a particular sport. I have never played soccer, so I had to learn about both the rules and the etiquette of "the beautiful game" as I signed up my kids to play it. I wanted to take an active role in this education process, both for me and my kids, so I invited them to watch soccer matches with me, and I invited some admitted soccer freaks over for dinner to talk to our whole family about the game.

What is absolutely important is to focus on how you and yours adhere to these practices much more than on how anyone else does. It's easy, and important, to publicly call out rules infractions committed by anyone involved in the contest. It's equally important to quietly practice the etiquette yourself without telling anyone else they should as well. This is an area where examples speak loudest. So exhibit the best etiquette yourself, teach your child to do the same, and then both of you be quiet about anyone else. When it comes to etiquette, it is far better to be viewed as an example than ignored as a know-it-all.

Culture:
This is the area of sportsmanship that is the least clear-cut, but can be the most influential. All sports have a unique culture surrounding them, a culture which silently governs attitudes, shapes coaching and playing styles, and can even influence personalities and relationships outside the playing field. And it is because of this powerful influence that I advise parents and coaches to pay very close attention to it.

Take football, for instance. Football creates and maintains a very unique culture, with both positive and negative applications. On the positive side, football creates a very team-oriented culture. It is perhaps the most team-oriented sport of all because of its relatively rigid position roles and requirements. There are offensive linemen body styles and temperaments that are decidedly different from, and yet completely dependent upon, wide receivers. And all have to play together in order to succeed, more than any other sport. It is far more difficult for one player to dominate in football than in say, baseball. This team emphasis in football is a remarkable metaphor for all the interdependencies that exist in life.

Another element of football culture that is not so positive, in my opinion, is the emphasis on toughness, or even meanness. Nevermind the celebration of Dick Butkus' refusal to help up an opponent, just go to a Pony League practice and watch the wannabe coaches running the elementary kids till they puke and then making them pick it up with their hands (I've seen it happen). No sport carries the "go to war" mentality like football, and that part of football culture is the reason behind the current concussions controversy in the NFL, as well as newly discovered dogfighting craze among NFL athletes. "Toughest is best" is football at its worst.

Thankfully, there are scores of examples of talented, successful football players who demonstrated incredible toughness while also exuding respect for their opponents, their own bodies, and the idea that it is still only a game. Walter Payton comes to mind as an example from my youth; Peyton Manning shines today. These men were able to follow the rules of football competition, practice exemplary etiquette toward other players and the game, and exist as "tough, but respectful" beacons within the football culture.

There are other players in other sports who are able to succeed in their sports without fully succumbing to the worst parts of the culture of those sports. Wayne Gretsky never fought in a hockey game. Jack Nicklaus never cursed on a golf course and never talked badly about another player. Tim Duncan never talks trash on the basketball court. Roger Federer never loses his cool on the tennis court, but he does host a pizza party for the ball boys and girls at every tournament. Talk about these players with your spouse in front of your kids; root for these type players on TV; invite your kids to admire them with you.

It is our job as parents and coaches to shape the culture of our families and our teams. Ask any business leader how difficult it is to shape the culture of a company -- it ain't easy. But the truth is that shaping a culture happens anyway. Every second of every day we function as leaders. How we behave as leaders constantly shapes our surrounding culture, both positively and negatively. How we cheer for our teams, how we talk about other players and opponents, how we speak with the coaches and other parents, whether and how we volunteer for snack duty, how we confront rules violations -- all of these are constantly shaping the cultures of our families and our teams. And the kids are not just watching us; they're inhaling the cultural air around them.

There is no magic recipe to follow to make our kids into respectful competitors. I can only offer a viewpoint that helps us remember that how we participate in sports is a character issue, one that can extend far beyond the boundaries of the court. And since, according to our ScreamFree Parenting philosophy, the greatest thing we can do for our kids is focus on ourselves, this is a character issue first and foremost about ourselves.

Hal Runkel is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Author of the award-winning ScreamFree Parenting: Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool. Hal is President of ScreamFree Living, Inc. Through publishing, speaking, training, and their website, www.screamfree.com, Hal and his team are committed to calming the world, one relationship at a time. Hal and his wife, Jenny, have been married for 13 years and try to remain calm while parenting their two wonderful children: Hannah, 9, and Brandon, 7. They and ScreamFree corporate headquarters are located just outside Atlanta, GA.

Website: Scream Free Living

I'm Sorry, Butt ...

hal@screamfree.com (Hal Runkel, LFT) — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 00:00:00 -0500

Toward evening they heard the LORD God walking about in the garden, so they hid themselves among the trees. The LORD God called to Adam, "Where are you?"
He replied, "I heard you, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked."
"Who told you that you were naked?" the LORD God asked. "Have you eaten the fruit I commanded you not to eat?"
"Yes," Adam admitted, "but it was the woman you gave me who brought me the fruit, and I ate it." (Genesis 3:8-12)

"If I don't scream, how can I get my kids to do anything?" That's the question on the minds of many at the beginning of my seminars. At the end, hopefully, the questions run something like this: "How can I start over with my kids, now that I know I've blown it time and time again? Is it okay to apologize and start anew?"

Obviously, I like the latter questions better. And obviously, I like to answer those questions with a resounding, "Yes!" Yes, we can reverse bad patterns of interaction with our kids. Yes, we can always start anew with a ScreamFree approach to our parenting. And yes, we can (and should) apologize to our kids as a starting point.

But not everyone is comfortable apologizing to their kids. Or to anyone else, for that matter. In truth, few of us are.

Take Alec Baldwin, for example. I'm sure by now everyone has heard about and even listened to his vitriolic voicemail spew to his eleven-year-old daughter. Calling her names and threatening her with wrath, Mr. Baldwin "lost it" in a way that should make all of us glad we're not celebrities. Can you imagine your worst blowup with your kids -- let's hope that was his worst -- being broadcast all over the world? Can you imagine being that mortified little girl, having to relive his outburst, and everyone's reaction to it, again and again?

If there were ever time for an apology from a parent to a child, this would be it. And apologize he did ... sort of. Mr. Baldwin issued a public apology for his actions that was absolutely necessary from a PR perspective.

And given the nature and content of his attempted apology, the PR perspective was foremost on his mind. Mr. Baldwin used this public humiliation to shed light on his ongoing custody battle with his ex-wife Kim Basinger. What came out was a classic example of the "I'm sorry, but ..." apology.

Ah, the "I'm sorry, but ..." apology. Or, as I like to call it, the "I'm sorry, Butt!" apology. I call it that, because the end purpose of such a statement is to effectively promote yourself as the good guy and to blame someone else as the real responsible party. When you do this, you essentially deflect any guilt from yourself and call the person you originally offended, or someone else nearby in your circle of relationships, a "Butt!"

For Mr. Baldwin, this came out as, "I'm of course sorry for yelling like that at my child. BUT, I've been in this horrible situation of parental alienation for so many years that I sometimes lose it in response." The real guilty party, according to his apology, is his ex-wife and the custodial system that she uses to keep him away from his daughter. What he's really intending to say is, "I'm sorry, but my wife is the real Butt here!"

The movie "Regarding Henry" provides another classic example of the "I'm sorry, Butt" response. Just before getting shot and starting his life on a drastically different, and healthier, path, Harrison Ford's arrogant character goes in to his daughter's bedroom to apologize for screaming and getting reactive at her earlier in the day.

He states, "Daddy was angry. I admit it. I was angry. BUT you know how Daddy feels about his things, and you know the rules about touching those things." In effect he's telling his daughter, "I'm sorry for yelling at you, little girl, but you were a butt for touching my stuff in the first place, so you're really the guilty party!"

Dads are not the only perpetrators of this farcical attempt at making things right. Some mothers are masters at the apology that somehow makes the recipient feel guilty. I've heard countless tales of adult women finally confronting their mothers about the pain they still feel from their childhood. No matter how lovingly the confrontation gets delivered, so often the response is a form of, "Well, I'm sorry, but I did the best I could. And raising you wasn't easy, particularly with your father, blah, blah, blah."

The truth is that we've all been guilty of this type of playground reasoning. Going back to our youngest days and continuing into our adult years, we can all point to times when we too have issued the popular argument.

As siblings, defending ourselves to our parents

As spouses, turning the tables on our husband or wife

As parents, trying to locate the real focus on our kids

The only way out of this mess, the only way to use apology moments as the building blocks to great relationships, is for each of us to accept one undeniable truth: No one can make us do anything.

No one can make us do something reactive; no one can make us do something we later regret. Our kids cannot push us over some emotional edge, and our situation can never be used to defend our actions. Never.

This is true for Alec Baldwin. This is also true for you and me. My kids cannot "make me pull this car over" or "make me come up there" and my situation, despite however desperate, cannot make me lose control. It doesn't matter if my blowup is found to be understandable by some, or defendable by others. What's at stake is the only thing I really do have control over -- my own integrity.

I know this is a tough truth to swallow, because it means letting go of all the excuses we've used throughout our lives and letting go of all the "I'm sorry, Butts" we've offered as efforts to promote ourselves and project all the blame. However, if we want to truly revolutionize our relationships, then we have to accept and live according to those truths that truly set us, and our kids, free.

I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is.

Website: Scream Free Living

Silly Love Songs

hal@screamfree.com (Hal Runkel, LFT) — Tue, 27 Mar 2007 00:00:00 -0500

Despite my love for Paul McCartney's post-Beatles work with Wings, I have to agree with John Lennon on this one: the world is full of silly love songs. Romantic love is the most overplayed sentiment in music, especially when it tries way too hard to be sentimental. In fact, that's my definition of the popular slang word "cheesy." My kids hear me use that term all the time and last year they finally asked me for a definition. After much thought (it's actually quite difficult to define), here's what I came up with: "cheesy" refers to any extreme effort to be sentimental. (Of course, then I had to define "sentimental"!)

But, I believe that definition applies to what Lennon was referencing when, upon the Beatles breakup, he lamented that Paul only wanted to fill the world with "silly love songs." Words which Paul, of course, adopted into a song titled just that. (And I actually like that song.) But even so, John was right. And the trend towards silly and cheesy love ballads hasn't stopped in the 37 years since he made that statement.

For those of us already married, though, we know that most of those songs simply do not reflect reality. Most of those songs are only concerned with the immature efforts to woo some woman or saddle some stud. But, the truth is that it's after the wedding bells chime that the real adventure begins. And few songs are able to capture the ongoing "what now?" of marriage. Few songs are able to articulate how marriage is perhaps the most difficult, and yet promising, relationship we can experience.

I have found one such song, however. Unfortunately, the music of this song is incredibly cheesy. So cheesy, in fact, that it's been used in hundreds of commercials and most of us cringe, or laugh, whenever we hear the melody. But then we miss the words. And I believe the words of this song are ridiculously profound. They are able to express the essence of what I believe marriage is all about: a long, daring, difficult journey of two people's personal growth so intertwined that they can actually, occasionally, experience life as one.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the masterpiece of one-hit wonder Dan Hill, "Sometimes When We Touch" (cue the strings):

You ask me if I love you
and I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
in what you say or do
I'm only just beginning
to see the real you

Right from the opening verse, we hear that this song is different. "I'd rather hurt you honestly than mislead you with a lie"? Are you kidding me? That's one of the most integrity-filled statements I've ever heard, and it the type of courageous honesty that every relationship needs. No wonder none of us ever say it. Over and over, we choose to avoid any pretense of voluntarily hurting our spouse. We're reticent to tell them when they've got bad breath, much less be honest with them about our feelings. I once worked with a client who would nag her husband to near death, but would never dare tell him he's fat. "That's just rude," she would say. But it's not rude to hide your disdain for his body and leave him wondering why you won't have sex with him anymore?

The truth is that our spouses usually already know when we have negative or wavering feelings toward them. And when we have the courage to say it out loud, we communicate something far greater than the hurtful words -- we communicate that we don't want to have those feelings remain the status quo. Saying "I don't like you right now" also communicates "and I don't like that I don't like you." And that can be the beginning point to remarkable growth in your relationship.

And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much
and I have to close my eyes and hide
I want to hold you till I die
till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

Here's the cheesy chorus we all recognize. Again, because of the ripeness of the melody it is so easy to miss the words. But here we have an appreciation for the true intimacy we both crave and fear at the same time. Sometimes -- not every time -- but sometimes, getting close to our spouse triggers an insecurity that can be terrifying. Marriage has a way of exposing us nakedly, warts and all, before another person and before ourselves. And that type of honesty is not usually comfortable, and not usually something we seek.

Getting close to someone can bring us companionship, acceptance, and even lead us to the ecstatic thrill of orgasm while in the arms of the person we cherish more than any other on the earth. Getting close can also, however, bring us face to face with our partner's flaws, our own inadequacies, and the mountainous anxiety we feel about how much of our lives we've entrusted to this union. That's why we sometimes try to connect and hide at the same time. Think about it. How often do you close your eyes during any embrace with your spouse? When you hug? Kiss? Make love?

We so often close our eyes during any kind of embrace because the honesty of intimate connection is "too much," and we "have to close [our] eye[s] and hide." Sometimes we seek the touch without the intimacy; we end up connecting with our genitals in order to avoid connecting with our eyes. That's because it is sometimes easier to copulate with parts of ourselves than openly communicate with all of ourselves.

At times I'd like to break you
and drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
and hold you endlessly
At times I understand you
and I know how hard you try
I watched while love commands you
and I've watched love pass you by
At times I think we're drifters
still searching for a friend
a brother or a sister
but then the passion flares again

Marriage is not a relationship built for the short term. It is more like a marathon requiring incredible endurance and persistence, despite the wide variety of feelings and experiences along the way. And the best marriages are the ones unafraid to feel all those feelings, and even acknowledge them once in a while. And that's what the song does here. Who among us hasn't wanted to vindictively break our spouse and drive him/her to their knees? In the heated exchanges of emotional reactivity, who hasn't felt this: "I cannot ever win with you!"

As if it were a battle in the first place. Have you ever heard the story about the two campers in British Columbia, Canada? They're sitting around the campsite when a grizzly bear wanders up near them. Beginning to freak out, one starts to put on his running shoes. "Dude!" whispers the other one. "What are you doing? You can't outrun a grizzly bear!" You can guess the response: "Man, I don't have to outrun the bear!" In relationship battles it is easy to just care about winning, regardless of who loses.

What I especially love about this bridge in the song, though, is the repeated phrase that begins each thought. "At times" we do want to break down our partners, while "at times" we want to embrace them forever. "At times" it does feel like we're just roommates, or siblings, just looking for someone to help us feel a little less alone. And then "at times" that strange desire for deeper connection erupts from within, leading us toward each other in ways far beyond mere friendship.

And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much
and I have to close my eyes and hide
I want to hold ya till I die
till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

The greatest thing you can do for your marriage is focus on yourself, learning to calm your own anxiety as you pursue greater connection with your spouse. This means moving away from the mutual needs-meeting matchup so often highlighted as the ideal marriage, where we become responsible for propping one another up. It means moving towards a model that sees a great marriage as occurring between two strong, separate selves who choose to be together as one.

Dr. David Schnarch has a remarkably simple, yet remarkably scary, exercise for couples wanting to grow themselves up in this way. He counsels people toward "hugging till relaxed." This involves holding your partner in your arms in such a way that neither one of you is supporting the other -- either one of you could let go and neither one of you would fall. In such an embrace you are capable of strong emotional and physical connection, and yet you are each standing on your own two feet the whole time. The key is to resist the urge to make sure your spouse feels comfortable, or making sure your spouse is "there for you" as you begin to relax. The key is to focus on yourself, concentrating on finding your peace within as you embrace the one you hold dearest.

Such an experience can be tremendously powerful in teaching us that even in the midst of close connection, our emotional responses are still up to us. It is not my spouse's job to calm my fears and ease my anxieties by telling me what I want to hear, or making promises to me about loyalty or security. It is my job to say yes to my marriage as it forces me to examine myself, calm my own fears, and boldly pursue the types of conversations, connections, and yes, copulation I really crave. I don't want to run from you in order to feel safe; I don't want to "trust" you to make me feel stable. I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides.

So there you have it, folks, a cheesy love song unlike most others, one that actually calls us into authentic, integrity-filled relationships. Yes, the song is incredibly cheesy. It is, in many ways, one of John Lennon's hated "silly love songs."

But what's wrong with that?

Website: Scream Free Living

Scream Free Parenting

hal@screamfree.com (Hal Runkel, LFT) — Thu, 03 Aug 2006 00:00:00 -0500

Get ready and hang on as Hal introduces many of us to ScreamFree Parenting. As a Christian dad, teacher, and counselor, his work is not always politically correct, but it is centered in biblical principles while being targeted for non-Christians.

And now a word to you fathers. Don't make your children angry by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4 NLT)

When's the last time you saw a parenting book that asked parents to defocus on their kids? (Rabbi and family therapist Edwin H. Friedman)

The greatest thing we can do for our kids is learn to focus on ourselves. That opening line is meant to come across as contrary, even heretical. "Now, it's all about the kids," is what most of us recite as soon as we bring offspring into the world. And we keep receiving countless bits of counsel urging us to continue taking all focus off ourselves and placing it squarely on our kids. After all, what they need is our constant attention, affection, and sacrifice so they'll think the right way, feel the right way, and behave the right way. Right?

Wrong. Such child-centered advice is simply a lie. Mothers have especially been sold this lie, and that's why we see so many moms just give up pursuit of any sort of sexy individuality; their new primary identity is Mother. So the denim overalls replace the little black dress, and the Keds knock out the stilettos. This is not to mention the bob haircut.

But, it's not just moms. Now dads like me are bombarded with messages to make up for our fathers' relative absence by being supremely present -- even to the neglect of ourselves, our marriages, and our careers. And before you know it, the stickers with our kids' names get emblazoned all over our minivans, shouting to the whole world who really owns the van -- and the rest of our lives.

But, here's the truth: we cannot orbit our lives around our children without giving them the impression that the world revolves around them. And then we have the nerve to call them self-centered, disrespectful, and unappreciative! When we're the ones that helped create them that way! The advice we followed is actually creating the problems we were hoping to avoid!

That's why the greatest thing we can do is focus on ourselves, because we're the only ones we can control. We cannot control our kids, that's for sure -- that's why we're reading parenting books in the first place! But every parenting expert we've read before has just given us more tools ("techniques") to help us do just that. But, the more we've tried to control our kids -- with new charts, new rewards, new punishments -- the more out of control they've become.

That's because nobody likes to be controlled. And it's because our kids are not the ones out of control. We parents are out of our own control, placing ourselves in the backwards position of needing our children to behave for our benefit, because, after all, they now represent our whole world.

No wonder we end up screaming.

Or shutting down.

Or simply giving up and caving in.

ScreamFree Parenting is not just about lowering our voice. It's about learning to calm all of these emotional reactions, learning to calmly focus on our own behavior more than our kids' -- for their benefit. This is because our biggest enemy as parents is not TV or the Internet, not bad influences at school, not even drugs or alcohol. Our biggest enemy as parents is our own emotional reactivity, because when we "lose it," we're actually losing our adulthood. And then we wonder how our kids have so little respect for us.

ScreamFree Parenting offers a revolutionary new option -- by inviting parents to focus on themselves, grow themselves up, and calm themselves down. Following these ScreamFree principles leads parents of all ages (with kids of all ages) to create and enjoy the family relationships they've always craved.

Website: Scream Free Living