Cake Without the Calories

    by Phil Ware

        You've heard of the ol' adage, "He wants to have his cake and eat it too!" Well, the new version should probably be, "He wants to eat his cake without the calories!" There's nothing we would like quite so much as being able to eat those favorite deserts without having the calories stick. We want our cake without the calories. Looks like a whole lot of guys have found a way to try to do that with marriage!

        The Rutgers University Marriage Project's study on men and marriage has found that men are putting off marriage until later in life and are basically reluctant to marry early in adulthood for a variety of reasons. Here's the top ten list men are putting off marriage:

    1. They can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past
    2. They can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying
    3. They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks
    4. They want to wait until they are older to have children
    5. They fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises
    6. They are waiting for the perfect soul mate and she hasn't yet appeared
    7. They face few social pressures to marry
    8. They are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children
    9. They want to own a house before they get a wife
    10. They want to enjoy single life as long as they can*

        Bottom line, the study reveals the men want their cake without the calories -- they want their sex without responsibility, risk, and relationship. They're finding plenty of women who will share sex, and even share a house, without asking for a commitment to marriage. This allows them to put off marriage until they "sow their wild oats" and get their careers established. They feel they can walk away from a shack-up or live-in relationship much easier than a marriage and without the legal and financial hassles.

        It's a pretty sweet deal for the shack-up boys, because many of them can find a honey who will go along with sex now and then be discarded later. However, women who shack up because they've bought into the "try it before you buy it" lie find themselves sorely disappointed and oftentimes discarded for a newer model when the man gets serious about marriage. You see, couples who live together before marriage increase their chances for divorce, heighten their risk of domestic violence and expose their children to a higher potential for sexual abuse.**

        While the Biblical model of sex only in marriage seems passé to many in today's sexually permissive world, those of us claiming to be God's people must re-awaken our children and churches to God's call. There's no such thing as cake without calories or we'd all be eating it with ice cream (without calories, too, of course). Neither is there a sexual relationship without cost and commitment. In the wake of today's easy sex we leave behind a wake of women abandoned by their shack-up boyfriends, women left to declining years of fertility before starting a family, ongoing struggles with STD's in younger and younger populations, children conceived out of wedlock, horrifying levels of domestic violence and sexual abuse of children, and the ongoing agonies of abortion.

        It isn't enough for gray-haired preachers to pound on bully pulpits. God's people must re-commit to marriage and marriage purity. We must model it to our children. We must teach our children that sex is more than a biological urge they can't control, but a beautiful and wonderful gift that God gave to people who are married and are seeking to honor Him. While the pressures are enormous on our children at earlier and earlier ages, we must counter that pressure with appropriate affection and attention from both parents, proactive and positive teaching about sex in marriage, clear access to the truth about sex before marriage, and training that helps them understand they are precious to us and to God. Most of all, it is crucial for those of us who are Christian dads to help our boys understand that real men, men of courage and character, don't treat women the way most men in their twenties do today.

    Finally, dear brothers and sisters, we urge you in the name of the Lord Jesus to live in a way that pleases God, as we have taught you. You are doing this already, and we encourage you to do so more and more. For you remember what we taught you in the name of the Lord Jesus. God wants you to be holy, so you should keep clear of all sexual sin. Then each of you will control your body and live in holiness and honor -- not in lustful passion as the pagans do, in their ignorance of God and his ways.

    Never cheat a Christian brother in this matter by taking his wife, for the Lord avenges all such sins, as we have solemnly warned you before. God has called us to be holy, not to live impure lives. Anyone who refuses to live by these rules is not disobeying human rules but is rejecting God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.     (1 Thessalonians 4:1-8)
    * "Why Men Won't Commit: Exploring Young Men's Attitudes About Sex, Dating and Marriage" by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead & David Popenoe, ©2002. http://marriage.rutgers.edu/TEXTSOOU2002.htm.
    ** "Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage" by David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. Second Edition. © by the National Marriage Project 2002.

    Posted: 07/15/2002
    URL: http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200207/20020715_cake.html

    (c) 2002 Phil Ware, Heartlight, Inc.

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