Jesus' death on the Cross changed everything for me. You see, I have depression, anxiety, and bipolar disease. Since my original diagnosis in 1985, I have gradually gotten better. My episodes don't last as long or get as bad.

This year (October 2003), however, I had to leave work for a while because of my challenges. It was taking longer for me to get back to where I wanted to be and things were worse than they had been in a long while. I had to have a brain scan due to some physical symptoms. The scan indicated I was having seizures and perhaps even a brain tumor. I was then sent for an MRI. The results are not back, but I can't help but think, "Is this it?"

However, I am not devastated. For one thing, I have asked numerous people to pray for me. Some of these folks I hardly know, but met on the web. My church, my personal friends, and my family are all praying for me.

I still have difficulties. So the prayer isn't working, right?

No, not right!

The focus of prayer is not that Jesus will take away all troubles, but that He will give me what I need in order to deal with my difficulties. He has sent many blessings my way — like friends who show up at just the right time, guidance to those who care for me, and strength for me so that I know I am in His hands and that I don't need to be afraid. "I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me," including facing the prospect of dying, because I know He is there to help me.

It is not so much the intensity of what I am facing that makes things tough for me — a hangnail can devastate me on some days when I go it alone. Other times, I can have an inability to work, suffer from a lack of funds, battle emotional insecurity, and wrestle with a lack of knowledge about the outcome of my diagnosis, yet be stilled by the presence of Jesus in me and know that all is well. It is called grace. Grace says, "Yeah, it's hard, but it could be worse. Grace says, "You are not alone." Grace says, "What can I do to help YOU?"

He didn't say, "Ok, that's all you get."

I would be so happy with this gift alone. What a great and awesome gift. But, Jesus didn't stop there. He didn't say, "OK, that's all you get." He gave me His life — His whole entire life. He gave me the 50 or more years He would have had left to live — He gave those years up for me.

Can you even begin to think that you could do the same for all kinds of people, knowing that most of them would not receive your gift? Could you die a death of torture? Could you leave your beautiful mother and your dad? Could you let go of the possibility of having children? Could you do it? Could you ... for folks who don't deserve it?

Jesus' sacrifice sure wasn't something that I deserved. He did all this for me because I did NOT deserve it. I had done little to help God's kingdom. I was certainly no angel. It doesn't matter that I wasn't horrible-horrible. I had sinned and He didn't deserve to die for that ... for me.

But, He did. That is why I'm not too afraid of what the doctor will say. I have lived a great life. The last 45 years have just been phenomenal. I have a beautiful 16-year-old son. I have the Lord. I have his grace. I have His promise to go through this with me. I have His example. I have His future.

So if it has to be, and it may, I have to tell you that I am not afraid. I know where I am going.

Will you come with me too?

Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits at God's right hand in the place of honor and power. Let heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth. For you died when Christ died, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your real life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory. (Colossians 3:1-4)

Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John & Stasi Eldredge Many Christian women are tired, struggling under the weight of the pressure to be a "good servant," a nurturing caregiver, passionate lover, or capable home manager. What Wild at Heart did for men, this book can do for women.

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