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    My wife and l waited eight years to have children. I was in college, then graduate school, and thought I was too busy. My mother had five children in seven years, was principal of a school, and attended college all at the same time. And she did a good job, which I point out to her every Saturday when I visit her at the Home for the Mentally Distraught.

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    Despite our childless state, my wife and I were willing, indeed eager, to share our perspective on child-rearing with anyone who would listen. Now that we have children, we seldom offer advice. The moment you tell someone else how to raise their kid, the odds increase that your own child will turn up on America’s Most Wanted.

    So we don’t give advice anymore, because as parents we’ve realized we don’t know anything about children. Before we had children, we knew everything. Now we have children, and the only parent we feel superior to is Ma Barker.

    It’s been hard to admit my ignorance about child-rearing. It’s easy to be smug when you’re driving home from someone else’s house saying, “When I have children, they will never act like that.” Now when our childless friends visit, I tell them when they leave, “Don’t talk about us on your way home.” They know what I mean.

    Most experiences don’t turn out the way we’d planned. Parenting is one of them.

    Take Spencer’s second Christmas. Someone in the church gave him a Nativity set as a gift. He was particularly taken with the wise men, one of whom he used as tableware. Dipped Balthasar up to his ears in ketchup and licked him clean. My wife said, “Honey don’t dip the wise man in the ketchup.”

“Don’t dip the wise man in the ketchup!”

    There are many things we anticipated telling our children. Things like, “Because I said so, that’s why!” and “Not in this house you won’t!” and even “Don’t put that in the toilet!” But we never imagined ourselves saying, “Don’t dip the wise man in the ketchup!”

    That’s the kick about life. We think we have it figured out, but then we wade in and discover otherwise. Kind of like Gomer Pyle used to say “Surprise, surprise, surprise!”

    All in all, this is a good thing. For when our future is sure and certain, when all the corners are tucked in nice and neat, there is no need for faith.

    Consider King David. He grew up a shepherd, which was nothing to write home about. If your job can be done by a dog, it’s time to worry. So David grew up a shepherd, but he died a king. Goes to show we never know what direction life will take.

    This is especially true of being a parent. We never know everything there is to know. The only solution is doing your best and trusting God for the rest. At least that’s what my sainted mother used to tell me, back in my younger days, when I knew it all.

From the book Front Porch Tales, by Philip Gulley. © 1997 by Multnomah Pub., used by permission.