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    In previous articles I began sharing a model that explains how people fall in love, fall out of love, and how they can fall in love with each other again. I received the following email objecting quite strongly to my statements about how physical appearance affects love.

If people are concerned about the looks of their mates, then maybe the problem lies in their heart. What about the person who struggles with their weight and appearance everyday? Maybe the constant disapproval of their mate is the cause of such problems. Where is the love in that? God tells us to love each other no matter what. If someone is looking at their spouses’ appearance then I must question their relationship with God. Love only comes through our relationship with Jesus. Love endures all things, hopes all things, does not demand its own way, etc., (1 Cor. 13) True love in a marriage comes from two people who have an individual relationship with God. That’s what brings these two people together.

Outward appearances are the initial attraction, but never God’s plan. He wanted us to seek Him first. Our initial attraction should have been/should be to God. If we as Christians are looking into the face of our Maker to fulfill the voids where love should be, then what our mate looks like will never come into the picture.

All this advice you speak comes from the study of man’s ways which are selfish by nature. Study the word of God as much as you study man and you will not be ashamed!

    I believe I understand the writer’s point, but I’m not sure that she understood mine.

    She is correct in writing that a person who struggles with weight or some other aspect of appearance could have that problem exacerbated by a continually critical spouse. The reaction of the beleaguered spouse may be to gain more weight or develop even greater problems. It’s likely that the verbally abused spouse will build an emotional wall to keep the abusing spouse’s words from hurting so much. (Read Willard Harley’s book, Love Busters.) In a case like that, each partner will likely lose love for the other.

    Yes. Lose love.

    Perhaps the writer missed our first article that explains that love has three components. Dr. Robert Sternberg of Yale shows in his research that love consists of decision/commitment, intimacy, and passion. Each of these is a kind of love in itself, and varying combinations of the three demonstrate seven distinct kinds of love. We shouldn’t be surprised at that: the men God used to write the bible clearly understood that love has different dimensions. For example, Matthew wrote of a type of love that is a primarily decision that doesn’t involve warm feelings (Matthew 5:44). On the other hand, Jesus felt a kind of love for Lazarus that carried strong feelings of closeness and bondedness (John 11:36).

    When I write of love being negatively affected when a person no longer cares about how he or she looks, I write primarily about passion (eros) and it’s loss. Notice the following questions I received from Christians during Love, Sex & Marriage seminars.

What is the best way to let your spouse know that the way she does things or looks is a real turn off to you?

My husband has allowed himself to become unattractive. I’ve prayed that God will give me passionate feelings for him anyway. Years pass and I still feel no desire for him. When I watch movies, I cry.

Does belching, passing gas, and otherwise lack of self-control fall in the category of “being as attractive as possible for your mate?”

    I’ve received many, many questions from people negatively affected by their spouse’s lack of concern about appearance or actions. EVERY ONE of those questions came from Christian audiences. Notice that two of the three I list here have to do with MEN letting themselves go physically, or exercising no control over bodily functions that dismay their wives. Do you think having unconditional love would mean that their wives shouldn’t mention displeasure at their husbands acting without discipline? If the wife can point out that passing gas is a physical turn off to her, can she not also point out that his allowing himself to become flabby because he overeats and doesn’t exercise is a turn off as well?

    Sure she can.

    Is she sinning when she does that?

    Absolutely not.

    God wrote in Ephesians 4:25, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.”

Cruel demands or constant nagging destroy a relationship. But hiding feelings and lying to each other destroys it just as thoroughly.

    Does that passage exclude husbands and wives? Obviously not. Could a husband or wife be godly while telling the other that certain actions (like passing gas) or that inattention to one’s body (like being unattractively overweight without a medical reason for the condition) is affecting the passion in their relationship? Absolutely. While I agree that the truth should be shared in a loving way, rather than in anger or frustration (Ephesians 4:15, 29), our experience with thousands of couples shows that to find true spirituality in their relationship, they must learn to be open with each other about everything.

    I completely agree that cruel demands or constant nagging destroy a relationship. But hiding feelings and lying to each other destroys it just as thoroughly.

    Am I saying that everyone has to be beautiful? Let me answer that by quoting from my book, Becoming One:

Not every person is gorgeous, brilliant, athletic, or magnetic. We each have unique characteristics given to us by God, and those varying characteristics make up a population that gives the earth all its needs. Accepting ourselves as we are also means accepting all our physical, mental, and other imperfections. (page 93)